Doug Giles

Our globe would probably cool off several degrees if Al Gore would just shut up and loose some weight. First things first, Al.

The unsubstantiated hot air that emits from Gore’s pie hole, the friction heat his chunky thighs generate when he waddles, plus the greenhouse gas he bellows out his backside after scarfing down the grande enchilada platter at Casa Ole are enough to make a polar bear bust a sweat.

Speaking of polar bears, I do hope it gets a little warmer up north. I’ve always wanted to hunt polar bear, but it’s just been too cold. Go warmer temps!

Back to Gore. You and I both know that Gore would be warning us about the negative effects of Spider Monkey urine if it would ingratiate him to the voting public. And that’s what his global warming, god awful warbling is all about: the unavoidable Presidential aspirations of Albert Gore. Jose Feliciano can see that.

Evidently, global warming didn’t hit Texas last month when I was there during Dallas’ Safari Club. It was cold. I’m talkin’ Hillary chilly. Also, I believe it snowed in Malibu this year. But that, too, could be a sign.

As a matter of fact, everything is now an omen that our orb is getting over-cooked.

• Lindsay Lohan’s fire crotch? Global warming.

• Paula Abdul’s speech slurs? Global warming.

• The tarpon bite has been a little slow and late this year in Miami. Global warming. I’ve noticed also that the flying fish have shortened their glide paths. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

• Anna Nicole Smith’s untimely death? Global warming . . . or possibly, her opportunistic lawyer, Howard K. Stern?

• Astronauts doing whacky things with BB guns, love triangles and adult diapers? Must be global warming. Think about it.

• This could also be the reason why Rosie’s so angry all the time. The gradual roasting of our terra firma under her feet is making her irritated. Or, maybe she’s just plump and pouty. It’s a coin toss on that one.

I was watching a guy on TV a few weeks ago talk about earthy balminess. He had his running helicopter parked on a slab of ice. As he spoke about our toasty planet, the viewing audience got hit with the obligatory sad seal pictures, melting snowman, gloomy Eskimo photos and a watery Slushy from 7-Eleven.

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.