Doug Giles

Paula Abdul said, “it ain’t fiction it’s a natural fact, we come together cuz opposites attract.” And who are we to question the multiple divorced and serial bad dater, Paula Abduh? Girls, forget Miss Abdull’s advice. Sure, opposites attract, but the real question is . . . will they stay in tact when the poop hits the fan? And the answer is, highly unlikely.

Y’know, finding someone like-minded doesn’t sound as sexy as dating the brooding, in and out of jail, melancholic, mysterious, exotic wannabe rebel flute player for the rock band Oasis who needs your breast to lie on in order for him to make sense out of life. Yes, ladies, if you’d like to have a successful relationship with longevity, you’ve got to blow off the Sugar Daddy, the Tommy Lee or the Olivier Martinez idol you’re worshipping and realize that compatibility, not fantasy, is the key to the kingdom.

Number Four: Get Virtuous.

Not letting the dillweed you just met hump your leg anytime soon is usually a sure-fire way to cudgel off the date from hell. This is no secret; the gibbering monkey that’s inside a guy’s pants wants inside of your pants, and he’ll do anything to get it there, muy pronto. Yes, Pollyanna, men will lie, swear, pretend, go to church, walk backwards, watch Marie Antoinette or Nell, listen to Mariah Carey or Celine Dion, etc., just to unleash the beast.

However, ladies (if you haven’t learned this yet, you will) once you let them in they are officially on their way out, and all you’re left with is the icky thought that you actually had sex with the guy who drops fries at McDonald’s. That’s a horrible notion. Plus, there’s about a 25% chance that you now have the gift that keeps on giving, an STD. Yippee!

Look ladies, reality is that sex with most guys is as about as eventful as an October Fest in downtown Miami. Don’t believe me? Then ask some of your violated girlfriends after they’ve had a couple of beers. They’ll confirm it. Being virtuous and guarding your garden ‘til you get a worthy dude to put a ring on your finger saves you from the BS of possibly getting saddled with an STD, or becoming pregnant, or having your soul shattered like an ostrich egg shipped FedEx overnight when the guy finally dumps you for your room mate.

Save it ‘til you get married, girls; because a guy who’ll that wait that long is either gay or he really, really respects you. Hopefully, it’s the latter.

Number Five. Get Solid Boundaries.

Another great way to avoid dating some yard ape is to erect massive boundaries around your life. Have who you are and what you’ll tolerate so solidly defined that all goofy guys can read it and weep.

You’ve got to stay guarded, girls. Let the guys call you stubborn, selfish, holier-than-thou, unfeeling, unyielding, unbeholden and unloving when you stay in your values corner. At least there won’t be some porn video of you and him floating around on the internet for your grandparents to have emailed to them via YouTube, eh? With ‘60 ft. tall razor wire metaphysical prison fencing placed around you, you will assure that all suitors will respect you, and you will never be controlled or manipulated by some crotch rocket (which is a big plus).

Number Six: Get and Keep Your Own Place.

Don’t move into a guy’s house. This equals loss of authority. This is a stupid move. Why does this act equal dumb squared? Well, you give a dude all the perks of being married without any commitment. And that’s what the date from hell loves: zero commitment. By having as an absolute standard that you will not move in with a guy until you’re wed, you will weed out all wankers. The truly great guy will respect you more for your self-control, which, by the way, is a must for any healthy marriage.

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.