Doug Giles

I know a conservative is not supposed to confess such a thing, but I’m saying it. I could do with some loving liberals’ assistance. Now granted, I need help for many, many things. Like my yelling in my sleep, or my sinful desire to want to go hunt panda bears or my penchant to accuse raisins of being lazy.

However, there is this one thing that is really bugging me about me. Here it is: I don’t feel like I am evolving fast enough when it comes to being hip with men who say and do the evil junk like Mahmoud does. See, there I go again (I told you that I needed your help)! This just proves my point . . . I said the word “evil.”

The sheer fact that I use words like “evil” shows that I’m stuck in some type of simplistic, old fashioned, fable driven, time warp filled with demons and goblins, where instead of being breezy with BS and BS’ers, I continue to get outraged with the outrageous. God, I’m so stupid.

Being the introspective guy that I am, I think I got a stranglehold on why guys like Mahmoud and his ilk tick me off so much and cause me to push for their erasure.

I think where I’m screwing up is that I have a view of evil, defined by the New Testament, that isn’t weak, or hesitant, or contradictory, whether that evil is found in me, you, conservatives, liberals, the US or the Whoever.

I’m not progressive enough, dang it. I’m having a grueling time with this whole “human goodness,” “we’re all getting better” and “we’re all skipping towards harmony and affluence . . . a Xanadu for me and you” stuff. I still have rattlin’ around in my redneck mind that men are wicked and that this wickedness must be personally repented of—or radically managed (like my nose hairs)—or things will get nasty.

I am having a rough time with psychobabble when it comes to explaining away wicked actions. It’s hard for me to listen to the various Freuds offering their therapeutic alternative solutions to sick souls thinking they can outsmart a desperately wicked heart while they simultaneously and categorically blow off traditional answers. Hey, Oprah-wanna-be, it’s one thing to get a bed wetter to cease with the slip-n-slide at night; it’s another thing to get Ahmadinejad to lay down his Apocalypse Now DVD.

I don’t have the constitutional propensity to see smiley faces, rainbows, kitty cats and candy canes, like liberalized pop culture does, when they look at Islamic malevolence in all its complexities.

So, all highly evolved, hip and centered Liberals, please pray for me. Pray that my bleak realism regarding Iran and militant Islam will bow its steely knee to the Pollyannaism that postmodernists have come to embrace. I, too, want to be happy and clappy just like you, and it seems that my archaic, traditional notions of right and wrong are really screwing up my quest for your cool.

* has been upgraded! We have added several new features to our talk show such as: Skunk Boy's "Evolution's Holdover", Dr. Full's "You can be a Loser". In addition, Giles has a new :60 spot called "Hey, Monkey Butt", and a ten minute "Growth Stimulant" session for personal oomph.

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.