Doug Giles

And please, please, you mustn’t allow yourself to feel bad when you see people in our country rise from poverty, debilitating setbacks, personal injuries, diseases or truly horrible familial situations to succeed in life. The way to keep this reality from freakin’ you out is to renew your mind with the fact that they’re just lucky, and it’s all about chance and not persistent hard work in a noble direction. Everyone knows that.

Are you a Christian? Well, you can be a big time loser, as well. The under achievers needn’t be just in the secular realm . . . the saints, too, can lead a sucky life. “How?” you might ask.

It is easy.

Fist of all, blame the devil for all your mistakes and failures. Truly, Satan is a great scapegoat for all your goofy crap. Why does the Wicked One work so well as a source of blame? Well, he is evil, and we all know he tempts; and therefore, he is a great candidate for culpability for all your SNAFU’s.

Never mind the detail that you’re such a sap that Satan wouldn’t even think about wasting his personal time tempting you (he’s busy working with Osama in some cave in North West Pakistan).

Secondly, don’t forget Christian, you also have at your disposal this bad ole’ world to fault for all its seductive evilness. If you’ve over used Satan as the source of your sad lot in life, try switching off sometimes and blaming the godlessness of the unwashed world as the raison d'être for why you live on your pimpled rear.

Keep believing that the devil and the world are the primary and secondary causes for your continuous lapsing and lackluster life. What a weight off your shoulders, eh, Christian? It’s the society’s fault and the devil’s responsibility that you’ve been coerced to live in the warm wet womb of Wussville.

Thirdly, and I almost forgot this one Mr. and Mrs. Dial Tone, you can blame your church and your pastor for not pampering your tush or coddling your little life long enough or strong enough.

If your minister would have paid more attention to you, if he would have said ‘hello’ more often to you, if he would have preached more messages that would minister to you, if he would have allocated more money from the benevolence fund towards your needs, and if he would have promoted you to a place of leadership because of your extreme spiritual giftedness and hidden character qualities, you wouldn’t be out partying tonight, high on ecstasy, drinking Budweiser, and trying to hook up with some skank. Yes, it is because of the devil, the world, and the church/pastor that you are a vacant lot.

In order to get personal mayhem maximized in the religious sphere, the Christian must never believe that he is remotely guilty for being wrong, and he must disbelieve the plethora of biblical passages that promise victory over demonic deception, ascendancy over an acidic society, and that responsibility for one’s spiritual growth is, primarily, the person’s duty.

In wrapping up my earnest attempt to help you affix failure to your funk, remember this: you can never let the thought cross your mind that you actually have a say in what happens to your life. Commit to your personal credo that you have no capability or responsibility to change yourself and live by your plan, not the prescription of others.

Do not entertain the thought that you can pursue happiness. Stay away from biographies, movies, music and narratives that show people overcoming way worse crud than you have had to shovel. Beware of people who have blown off what others have done to them and what others think of them, and have, in spite of all odds, accomplished worthy goals—because that could possibly empower you to quit being a weasel.

Bear in mind that accomplishment is a communicable disease that can transfer from people and can be inspired through film, music and literature. So beware whom you hang around, as well as what you watch, read and listen to. You don’t want greatness anywhere around you.

I have generally found that a man who is good at manufacturing excuses is good at nothing else.

- Benjamin Franklin

* has been upgraded! We have added several new features to our talk show such as: Skunk Boy's "Evolution's Holdover", Dr. Full's "You can be a Loser". In addition, Giles has a new :60 spot called "Hey, Monkey Butt", and a ten minute "Growth Stimulant" session for personal oomph.

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.