Doug Giles

If I were a Mexican stuck in Mexico, I, too, would grab a jug of aqua, stuff fistfuls of tortillas into a bandana, then tie that knap sack onto the end of a long stick and start my slog north for the Promised Land. 

What would be the rationale for my exodus from Santa Ana land?  Well, one big reason is the zero opportunity in Mexico.  Mexico’s economic future is about as bright as Leif Garrett’s singing career.  I’m talking there is nada for the average José.  Look, Vicente Fox can only hire out so many pool boys, chefs, drivers, maids,  migrant map makers and mistresses.  For the rest of the national workforce . . . well, you’re pretty much SOL: sure-outta-luck. 

Eclipsing the economic disaster are two other reasons why, if I were a Mexican living in Mexico, I’d be putting the Sierra Madres in my rearview mirror and heading for Marfa: namely, Telemundo and Univision.  Yes, if those were the only two channels I could watch on my black and white Philco after a 16-hour day of picking mangos in exchange for two chickens, I would walk through the desert for hundreds of miles, brave banditos, eat horny toads, drink mud, bake in the sun, swim the Rio Grande, scale the Big Bend mountains and wrestle pumas just to get away from that tacky entertainment and to get here to the States where I could enjoy Fox News and OLN.  Therefore, as compassionate conservatives, we’ve got to cut these guys some slack.  We, too, would want out of such a dysfunctional banana republic.

Now, having said that, let me address mi amigos that want to move into our amazing Land-O-Plenty:  Would you mind immigrating legally and learning English?  Because, you see, our legal citizens are getting increasingly fed up with your criminal relocation dreams.  That’s right.  Our American buddies on the Arizona, California, New Mexico and Texas borders are especially sick of . . .

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.