Should We Let Slide the Goggle-Eyed Bride?

Doug Giles
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Posted: May 07, 2005 12:00 AM

Never has our nation been more united than in our current consensus that Jennifer Wilbanks is officially coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs.  I?m talkin? coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs.  Y?know, we can?t seem to harmonize over Iraq, judicial nominees, or what to do with social security, but we have formally joined in one accord and have spewed our national coffee over the goggle-eyed runaway bride, aka, Jenny from Georgia.  It seems as if this Georgia peach has officially begun to turn.

Jennifer ? what?s up, girl?  What were you thinking?

First off, I?m glad Ms. Wilbanks is safe, and is not in a shallow grave underneath the trailer house of one of the two million free-ranging sexual predators, yet at the same time I think wacky Wilbanks still owes us a couple pounds of flesh for the time, money, and man power she wasted having selfless people look for her selfish self.

Having said that, I think jail is too brutal for this fragile doe.  Heck, if she can?t handle living in an upper crust suburb, if she pops an O-ring over high-dollar wedding pressures, and if being betrothed to Opie Taylor makes her do the Forrest Gump to Albuquerque, you know that group showers, prison food, and a cold 10x12 cinder block cell would push her straight over the edge.  And we wouldn?t that to happen because she would probably escape from prison and take off on a Greyhound bound for Moscow, Idaho, and it would be all on again.

For what it?s worth, here?s what I propose we require of this damsel who?s hanging on by a thin wire:
1. I think we should not accept the apology she gave last Thursday until we get to see her self-inflicted hair-do.  That?s before any stylist gets his scissors on her.
2. I think she should also apologize to Hispanic men everywhere for accusing one of them of her feigned abduction.  As a Caucasian male, I think I can speak for my Latino hermanos by saying ? as if!  Pamela Anderson, maybe.  Jennifer Wilbanks ? yeah ? right.
3. I think her apology was a little thin on Thursday and didn?t do justice to the distraction she caused Gwinnett law enforcers from pursuing real missing persons and criminals versus looking for this spoiled ham.
4. In addition, I think for the next ten years Jenny should be forced to slog through Georgian bogs to look for any lost persons, pets, or coins without being afforded waders, a compass, a GPS, sunscreen, or Deep Woods Off.
5. Lastly, I?m sensing Jenny needs a good ole-fashion exorcism.  And I think we deserve, if we desire, to watch it.  Her Pastor stated that she needs some ?spiritual counseling? and is going through a ?rough time.?  Ya think?  It?s beyond that, my brother.  It?s time to call in an old priest and a young priest for a good versus evil throw down.

Yeah, I bet that if you were to get Father Merrin and Karras to pay her a visit, spin Tubular Bells and then have the priests confront the demon named I?m  a Narcissistic Nut Job that she would manifest, Regan style, complete with green vomit and levitation.  And again, we should be allowed to watch it.  Why?  Well, her fabrications caused us to be force-fed her glamour photo and home videos for the last couple of weeks, and therefore, I believe we are due a televised holy-water-and-crucifix screaming intervention to bring us some closure.

My ClashPoint is this: Let me wrap this Springer side show up with a final word for her bridegroom to be John Mason. 

Run. 

Save yourself, dude.  Look, if this is what you?re getting before the nuptials, I can guarantee it becomes more nightmarish from here on out.

The only problem is, after the wedding vows, you have bought the ranch.  You know, it?s great that you have forgiven her, and you?re doing the Christian thing and stuff, but at least give this ?relationship? some time, partner, and see if she pulls out of this speed wobble.  I?m thinking, about, oh ? ten years. 

Yeah, if in ten years she doesn?t go cross country stressing over minutiae, if the voices inside her head subside and if she doesn?t play Vidal Sassoon on her own scalp with crude scissors any time she is confronted with a major decision, then, maybe then, it would be okay to waddle up to the line for the wedding.

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