Pollyanna on the Potomac: What Condi Should Say

"For generations now, Americans have been taught that all peoples are the same, all cultures are the same, all religions are the same — hard-wired to live by the same self-evident truths. Our experience in Iraq, our experience with Islam, if you will, tells us, in fact, that we are not all the same. We do not all want the same things out of governments, our cultures or our religions. This is something our experience in Iraq has finally taught us. There are vast differences between Islam and the West, differences that are not the mission of the United States military, or in the interest of the United States to bridge."

My dream secretary would continue: "Whether posterity judges us kindly and calls ours a noble experiment in Iraq, Tim, the bottom line here and now is that we're not getting results. I mean, how do you expect to fight a war on terror for, or alongside, terrorist sympathizers? It can't be done. And the war on terror is the president's primary concern. As a result, you will see the mission of American troops changing as they leave the streets of Iraq's cities to be redeployed to strongholds in Kurdistan — and beyond."

"Where?"

"Let's just say we'll be talking much more about Iran and Syria in the coming weeks, and their roles in sponsoring terrorism and nuclear blackmail." Poof.

Alas, Coleridge-like, I find my vision of chat-show Xanadu has gone black. On the real-life program, Miss Rice went on to offer a typically reality-challenged solution for Lebanon: Her idea — the U.S. idea — is "to flow the authority of the Lebanese government and Lebanese forces with the help of international forces" into Hezbollah-controlled areas. Just keep smiling, and never mind that all too much of the Lebanese government, the Lebanese forces, not to mention the Lebanese people are rootin'-tootin' Hezbollah boosters.

But wait, what's that voice in my head? "Given the Free World's stake in the destruction of Hezbollah's terrorist forces," my dream secretary is saying, "the president will be calling on our friends in the international community to offer Israel our shared gratitude and unified support for taking on this common enemy."

Poof again.