To Lois Lerner, wow. The word “hero” is thrown around a lot these days, but rarely is it so fitting. The way you refused to let the nation be distracted by hearing why you ordered the IRS to target political opponents of the president of the United States … it’s like, it’s like … it’s like it was you yourself standing in front of that tank in Tiananmen Square. And when you courageously went on a four-month paid leave before retiring with full benefits and pension rather than speaking or resigning will be taught in elementary schools well into the next millennium.
To Attorney General Eric Holder and the Justice Department, your leadership in launching a possible criminal investigation into the driving delays in New Jersey brought a tear to my eye. I only hope your efforts to uncover the cause of this brake pad genocide does not distract you from the important work of reading journalists’ emails and persecuting potential “leakers.” And I hope against hope this avalanche of idling didn’t delay delivery of any of the thousands of yet-unaccounted-for guns you forced gun stores to sell to Mexican drug cartels, then almost immediately lost track of. It’s “fast and furious,” not “traffic jam and furious,” right?
To Ambassador Christopher Stevens, Sean Smith, Glen Doherty and Ty Woods, nice try. Sure, you waited eight hours for help that didn’t come and wasn’t even sent. You begged for months for more security, but you were ignored because you weren’t causing people to move slowly across a bridge. Your continued attempts to distract attention from real issues facing Americans, such as getting home late from work, have failed as badly as your attempt to disrupt President Obama from getting sleep the night before a big fundraiser and campaign event in Las Vegas. If you wanted people to care, you shouldn’t have gotten yourselves murdered while your repeated pleas for help were ignored by President Obama and Hillary Clinton. You should have driven at a snail’s pace into New York, preferably in a Prius.
The list of people worthy of acknowledgement is endless, I can’t thank them all. But I would like to send a special bit of gratitude to CNN Legal Analyst Jeffrey Toobin. One of the country’s foremost legal minds in any room in which he finds himself alone, he pronounced Chris Christie’s political career dead before the governor had spoken a word.
Toobin has a history of crystal ball-esque soothsaying on political scandals. He had the courage to dismiss Benghazi as a nothingburger before any of the survivors were heard from or we know what orders, if any, the president gave during the eight-hour attack. He even went all Pauline Kael on us when he confessed the media ignored America’s most prolific serial killer Kermit Gosnell, admitting no one at cocktail parties he attends in Georgetown and on the Upper East Side cared about his murder trial. And he’s been a pioneer in the “nothing to see here, stop looking” caucus on the IRS targeting scandal. I know there aren’t any non-presidents on Mount Rushmore, but maybe we should look into making an exception, or at least a new wing in the Newseum, to honor one of the greats.
Thank you media for courageously saving yourselves from all those hours of possible news coverage of “phony scandals” so you could be ready when “the big one” came along. Congratulations for not getting sidetracked by informing your viewers of how the President did the same thing, using the power of government to inflict visible harm as possible on his constituents, on a much larger scale by using sequestration spending reductions to close the White House to tours, lengthen airport security lanes, furlough air traffic controllers and more. And he did so knowingly, not through staffers who lied to him. Your restraint left you ready to pounce when it was important. And pounce you did.
As a traffic survivor myself, I can’t thank you enough for your prioritization in this, our darkest hour. While your efforts this week were focused on New Jersey, I know it’s only a matter of time before you unleash teams of investigative journalists and traffic copters across the fruited plain to shave some time off commutes that could be slowed up to four days in a row for the people of one town in one state by a staffer who gets fired.
Just like 9/11, everyone will remember where they were when the wall of secrecy around this silent inconveniencer fell. We are all Fort Lee residents today. Stay strong, my traffic-bound brothers and sisters. Bumper-to-bumper finally met its match. Help has arrived; the media is on the case.