There was this generation’s Tommy Chong, Kal Penn of Harold and Kumar fame. OK, fame might be a bit of a stretch, but he was on House. He came off like an idiot and left the national consciousness the second he was out of frame.
There was the obligatory tribute to dead Kennedys on the video screen. Not the punk band; that would’ve been cool … but the womanizing band of brothers from Massachusetts. For a convention celebrating women, it made sense to pay tribute to men who slept with more of them than just about anyone but Bill Clinton.
From HBO’s The Wire, Tommy Carcetti, er, I mean Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley came out to make up for admitting the Sunday before that we’re not better off than we were four years ago.
Then, in an attempt to make Tony Villar look even dumber, San Antonio Mayor Julián Castro was trotted out to give a speech praising his radical, extremist mother.
Then came the main event – First Lady Michelle Obama. She told us how much she loved Barack … as if that were justification for re-electing him. Every speaker that day – hell, every speaker every day -- regaled the crowd with “We were so poor” and “Our parents didn’t have money but they loved us” stories that you’d think there was a prize for the most absurd. Michelle’s involved a rusted car and how Barack was an amateur dumpster-diver but turned down the big bucks on the pro circuit to serve the community by writing two autobiographies before he was 40 … or something.
The second day was marred by reality. Democrats, who the week before were treating the Republican Party platform as the Gospel According to Mitt, as if he’d personally carved every word into stone tablets, had a little trouble of their own. Liberals always have disliked God and Israel, but they were never dumb enough to put it in writing – until 2012.
Once the President Obama-approved platform was read and controversy erupted over the omissions of Israel and God, the platform became the immaculate document – written by no one.
Democrats panicked like a fat kid caught with chocolate smeared around his mouth – It wasn’t me, I didn’t do it!
But they did do it, and now that the world knew the truth, they had to undo it. Enter four-time failer of the California Bar Exam, Tony Villar. On order of the president, Villar called for a voice vote on amending the platform to add a mention of God and Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. When it was clear he didn’t have anywhere near the two-thirds majority needed to pass the amendment, Villar did what every good Democrat does when they don’t get their way – he pretended he did and declared victory.
Then it was DNC Chairwoman Debbie WashHerHair Schultz’s turn to make herself look like an even bigger fool than normal. She blamed the whole thing on a “technical” mistake, declared there never had been a controversy and that those in favor of changing the platform absolutely had a two-thirds majority.
It was enough to cause CNN’s Anderson Cooper to suggest she lives in an alternate universe. She does. It’s a universe in which the Israeli ambassador told her Republican policies would be a disaster for Israel, another spectacular lie of the week. It’s one where people like her, believe her and take her seriously. I can see why she’d want to live there. It’s a nice change of pace.
There also were the usual parade of speakers accusing Republicans of racism, obstructionism and any other isms they could think of. AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka even left his luxury suite long enough to tell everyone how bad workers have it – not because a chunk of their salary goes to pay for his exorbitant lifestyle and bloated salary, but because Republicans exist. He did this in a non-union right-to-work state chosen by the man he was praising.
The longest-serving woman in the U.S. Senate, Maryland’s Barbara Mikulski, rolled her weeble-self out on stage with every Democrat Senator who uses the ladies room.
Then it was time for everyone to get royally Fluked! Sandra Fluke, champion of people too worthless to afford $9 a month for birth control and too childish to accept responsibility for this, gave a stilted speech that made the acting of Cameron Diaz look method. I half expected her to remove the podium and replace it with a cross so she could nail herself to it.
She lamented her fate as a “private citizen” being attacked by a public figure. I never would’ve expected such a full-throated criticism of President Obama for his slimy attacks on the Koch brothers … but, of course, she’s a hypocrite and cares only about people like herself – the parasite class. A group proud to have made everyone pay for their birth control should’ve chosen a champion attractive enough to have a use for it.
But the main event of the night was former President Bill “put some ice on that” Clinton, a man who would do anything for women … except remain faithful to them. If you listen closely, he’s still speaking.
He gave a good speech – if you discount reality. But it was far too long. I suspect it was a passive/aggressive swipe at a president with whom he’s still angry for playing the race card on him in 2008. Clinton kept Obama waiting backstage for nearly an hour, till long after prime time ended and people went to bed. Clinton’s narcissism can explain only some of that – animosity explains the rest. (The link on each day is to a more in-depth I wrote on it. This piece was already too long to rehash everything. Check them out.)
Predictions of overcast skies with a chance of the moon breaking through the clouds and reflecting light on thousands of empty seats caused the president’s speech to be moved from Bank of Panther Stadium to the much, much smaller Time Warner Arena. President Downgrade downgraded his own convention.
Tony Villar re-nominated Joe “Joey Plugs” Biden as vice president, and the vice president gave a speech that demonstrated his range – all the way from whispering to yelling. The factually challenged speech – what else is new? – woke up the old crowd, who had suffered hearing loss from a performance of the Foo Fighters and a bout of narcolepsy from the winner of the least-compelling-speaker-on-Earth award, Caroline Kennedy. But even Biden’s laughable gaffes couldn’t save him. He and his unnaturally white teeth mercifully left the stage.
Finally, it was time for President Obama to take the stage and lay out his vision for the future. But in what I can only assume was a teleprompter malfunction, he ended up giving a speech that could, and should, have been delivered in 2008. Aside from the occasional reference to the future, it was a backward-looking speech.
It was small, made smaller by the venue and President Clinton’s speech the night before. I had a copy of the speech a half-hour before Obama took the stage, and I can tell you he stuck to the script nearly word for word, even down to his declaration of love for his wife and kids. Why a man would need to read that, why he couldn’t just speak from his heart, is a testament to his inability to think on his feet.
Several lies, many delusions and about 40 minutes later, he was done. He proposed nothing new, offered no solutions, took no responsibility. It was just empty rhetoric and vacant words. He turned “Yes We Can” into “I Guess We Couldn’t, At Least Not In 4 Years and $5 Trillion in New Debt.” The crowd loved it, but they would’ve loved it if he’d come out and burped into the microphone. The people at home saw a man in over his head, out of ideas and desperate to hold onto power.
A small man gave a small speech in a small venue better suited to a challenger, not someone who’s been in office for a term. It was out of place for a sitting president but a perfect fit for a party’s convention full of petty jabs, anger, a sense of entitlement, jealousy, bitterness, lies and distortions. In other words, it was exactly what I expected it to be.