Derek Hunter

This week the media discovered that the smell emanating from lower Manhattan was not a broken sewer line with a hint of patchouli and marijuana but was, in fact, body odor from a left-wing protest...with a hint of patchouli and marijuana.

This movement calls itself “Occupy Wall Street,” a name that sounds like something Madison Avenue suits cooked up. This “movement” was spontaneously planned for months by an anti-consumerist/capitalist Canadian magazine called Adbusters...which just happens to be partially funded by George Soros. These people seek to lead the country to...yeah, that’s kind of where it falls apart. They’re as aimless as Wilson was in his final scene in the movie Castaway. But, damn it, they aren’t going to stop until they get there!

The media tells us this “movement” is organic and leaderless. Were that true, it would be amazing. But the only thing organic about these people is their granola and their hemp pullovers. They’re made of the typical liberal hate-groups consisting of the typical left-wing, anti-freedom mob and union goons we’ve seen take to the streets for the eight years of the Bush administration, only heavier and with longer hair.

Since they are drifting like a plastic bag in a wind storm, and interview after interview with individual protesters across the country has exposed just how clueless, paid or union-led participants are, I feel compelled to help. They have puppet masters, but what they really need are Czars. And conservatives need them to have Czars too.

Liberal progressives need someone to steer their ship of socialism away from the iceberg of reality so the Obama Administration can milk them in the 2012 election. Conservatives need the S.S. Utopia to stay afloat to keep the personification of the modern Left in the consciousness of the American people.

It is along that line that I nominate Michael Moore and Janeane Garofalo to be King and Queen of these mutants.

Michael Moore is on their team, fully. He feels their pain...though not so much he’d stop taking their $12 a head to see his movies and just release them on the Internet for free or anything. But he feels it. He knows it. Not only has Moore sent crews to film the poor, and even interviewed a couple himself, he’s read Dickens. If anyone is qualified to be their King it’s Jabba the Commie.

He’s the perfect fit. He comes with his own ready-made castle in a tony neighborhood near Traverse City, Mich., fully protected from the unwashed by gates and security fencing. And the words, “Let them eat cake” never would pass his lips...but the cake would, in the opposite direction.

No one embodies hypocrisy with the gusto of Michael Moore. To this day he tweets about “war profiteers on WallSt (sic) & in CorpAmerica (sic)” and made a whole movie about the evils of the for-profit health care system without ever mentioning the fact that he’s owned stocks in pharmaceutical companies and defense contractors, including Halliburton.

He regularly goes on TV, to in-the-tank, unchallenging networks, to express his support for the “occupiers.” I’d guess no one in the last 25 years has made more money by railing against the evils of making money than Michael Moore.

Moore’s unbridled personal embrace of everything he publicly decries fits perfectly with the progressive millionaires and billionaires behind the “occupiers.” And would make a more fitting crown than a baseball hat for whatever “everyman” sports team is in favor with any given audience? It’s really the perfect cover for a “champion of the poor” who has amassed a net worth of $50 million from them.

Every king needs a queen, right? While I never would suggest my nominees actually consummate their union – you know, do to each other what they do to the rest of us – everyone needs a partner. So, I give you my nominee for queen - Janeane Garofalo.

It’s not often a photo caption captures the essence of a person. Most people are complex creatures who can’t be summed up in a tweet-length comment on a photo. But every once in a while, an individual is so vapid, such a one-trick-pony, that 140 characters almost seems too much to describe all you need to know about them. Such is the case of Janeane Garofalo.

The picture was of her face with the caption “Says Republicans Hate Obama Only Because He’s Black. Says Republicans Like Cain Only Because He’s Black.” This “Facts be damned, full agenda ahead” attitude is what you want in an “occupier” Queen.

You might remember Janeane from a few episodes of “24,” (2009) “The Truth About Cats and Dogs” (1996) or “Reality Bites” (1994), but you probably don’t. You may have also heard her referred to as a comedian, but she stopped being funny right around the time her stellar acting career took off. To most people, Janeane is simply a thinner Michael Moore who isn’t quite as skilled at being overt with her boiling hatred.

Maybe she’s not happy anymore because she’s not fat anymore, or maybe she’s not fat anymore because she doesn’t work much anymore and can’t afford food, which makes her angry. Whatever the reason, who cares?

She spends most of her time lecturing liberals about how conservatives hate...well, everyone. We’re out to kill gays, the poor, anyone with a non-white skin tone, most people who have a white skin tone, you, me, women, men, dogs, cats, goldfish … pretty much whatever you’ve got, we’re out to kill it. I don’t know on what planet Janeane lives, but it sounds horrible and I am thankful everyday we don’t live there.

When not lounging on a futon in the whatever friend’s studio apartment she’s crashing on that week, she makes occasional appearances on Current TV’s only show not dedicated to drugs or America sucking, Countdown with Keith Olbermann.

With the demeanor of someone strapped to a chair with a tack on it, Janeane loves to lecture others on how to live. She recently took to Current TV to tell Olbermann that Republicans like Herman Cain for President because they are racist. Yes, that’s right. Donning what I have to imagine is her Sunday best “dress hoodie,” her Buddy Holly glasses and make-up from a wax museum, she ignored her prior declaration that Tea Partiers are all racists who hate black people, and turned on a dime to “they like this particular black person because they’re racists”...with the grace of a queen.

Liberals actively try to silence those who disagree with them, conservatives try to put cameras, microphones and megaphones in front of liberals when they speak. We want the world to hear them, to know what the Left really believes. Why not two recognizable faces as the mouthpieces who will satisfy both sides?

These two C.H.U.D.S. are the perfect king and queen for the “occupiers” and those of us who love liberty. The unwashed (literally) mobs who spend their days sweating in parks love and agree with Moore and Garofalo, so much so they, like dogs and their owners, even look like them. And we love it when Moore and Garofalo talk because they truly believe, regardless of the mass of contrary evidence, that the majority of Americans agree with them. That “living-in-a-bubble” mentality frees them to say some of the dumbest things to ever leave the lips of bipeds and expose progressives as the lunatics they are.

Both crowds will cheer, “Long live the King. Long live the Queen.” It’s win-win.

(Last week we kicked off my radio show with a discussion of the “Occupy Wall Street” mutants and, in the second hour, Jonah Goldberg joined in the fun. You can listen to that show by clicking here.)


Derek Hunter

Derek Hunter is Washington, DC based writer, radio host and political strategist. You can also stalk his thoughts 140 characters at a time on Twitter.