From my late teens onward, the relationship between my mother and me improved steadily. As the years progressed, I enjoyed her more and, yes, loved her more. Unless either an adult child or a parent has serious psychological issues, I am convinced that what I experienced is quite common. There is an enormous amount of luck -- good and bad -- in life; and one of the greatest pieces of good luck for a parent (and child, for that matter) is for parents and children to have the time to work things out.
4. On guilt and inner peace
No matter how I felt at any given time, I always abided by the commandment to “Honor your father and mother.” Not only was it good for me and for my parents in life, it is particularly good now after my mother’s death. Because I was a good son, I have no guilt to work through. There are many reasons to honor one’s parents, and how one will deal with a parent’s death is one of the most compelling.
5. On mourning
I knew I would observe the age-old Jewish practice of sitting “shiva” (“shiva” is Hebrew for seven) -- i.e., mourning for seven days. But I had no idea if I would come to value or loathe it. I found it invaluable. I took a week out of my life to do nothing but receive visitors -- at my brother’s home in New Jersey and in my home in California -- and mourn my mother. She deserved it, and I needed it.
6. On my mother being widely loved
Over 300 people came to my mother’s funeral in Englewood, N.J. This is a remarkable number in light of these facts: She and my father had lived in Englewood for only 10 years; my mother had no professional position that would have made her in any way well known; the funeral took place midday on a Monday when most of those present had to miss work; and virtually everyone there was considerably younger than my mother (her peers, not to mention those who had been in her life who were older than she, have nearly all died).
My mother was universally adored -- even her pharmacists and hair stylist paid a call during “shiva” -- for three reasons, as I learned from everyone to whom I spoke: She was always happy; she treated everyone as if they were the most special person in her life; she carried herself with class and dignity. If you want to be widely loved, there’s the recipe.