'Good things' in stir
Debra J. Saunders
7/5/2002 12:00:00 AM - Debra J. Saunders
I don't care if she's guilty of insider trading or not. I want
Martha Stewart to go to prison just because of all the "Good Things" she
could do in the slammer.
Besides, the Big House could use her special touches more than
the pricey edifices Martha calls home.
I can see features for the first prison issue of Living now.
Mashed potatoes for 5,000. Out with the old recipe that starts
with 2,500 cups of instant mashed potatoes, then add water and stir. It only
takes a few extra hours -- and we're not going anywhere, are we girls? -- to
boil real potatoes, rice them, then hand-whip in some cream and butter. It's
easier if you find 45 friends to help you.
How to concoct a dandy pruno appertif? Most cons will take any
food bits and store them in a sealed baggie waiting for the food to turn to
goo and ferment. The key to good pruno, however, is discernment. Only use
grapes and other fruits, and add a sprig of peppermint.
Don't serve in a disposable plastic cup. Halve oranges, remove
the segments and serve the pruno chilled -- if possible -- in festive orange
rind cups. Then use the rinds for the next batch of pruno.
Grow an endive garden in your cell. Old sneakers make nifty
containers for soil. If you don't have access to real dirt, start a little
compost bin in a tin can in a corner of your cell. If you don't compost meat
or dairy products, it won't smell. You can use coffee grounds.
Fill the sneaker with soil and plant the endive seeds carefully.
Water when the soil is dry to the touch. Try to place the sneaker near your
Good presents for the pungent cellmate: Maybe your cellmate
doesn't shower much because she doesn't like the soap. The Martha collection
has an excellent selection of fun soaps and cachets you can leave in her
sheets if the soaps don't work.
How to make a small room look bigger? One word: Mirrors.
Turn prison-issue spoons into cheerful Christmas ornaments. Just
because you miss your family and your freedom, it doesn't mean Christmas
needs to be a downer. Cheer up the common room with festive ornaments.
Take a spoon and place it on plain cardboard or other paper
easily cut with blunted children's scissors. Cut out wings in the cardboard
and attach to the spoon with used gum. Voila, you have a prison angel.
Hang the angels by wrapping thread around where the cardboard
and spoon meet, crisscrossing to give the look of a bodice.
Add special touches to your presidential pardon letters.
Prison-issue toilet paper is sufficiently coarse that you can press 10
leaves of it together, add some lavender scent and place them under your
bedding for a month, and you'll have terrific paper for a cover note.
Of course, terrific notepaper will only go so far for inmates
with bad penmanship. It's important to work on that penmanship so that it is
both stylish and legible.
Don't write a letter longer than one page; no one will read it.
Sign your name with a flourish, followed with a hand-drawn picture of a sad
face behind bars.