The ghosts of Christmas future

Debra J. Saunders

12/25/2000 12:00:00 AM - Debra J. Saunders
What does the future hold for the shining stars of the Clinton years? Here are my predictions: Bill Clinton hangs his hat in Washington, New York, Little Rock and Los Angeles. Washington Bill serves as the Democratic Party's titular head; he breaks with tradition and starts trashing his successor within 48 hours of the inauguration. He becomes the first president to be disbarred and the first to be acquitted on perjury charges. After being found not guilty, he plays the drums with jurors at a post-trial bash. L.A. Bill starts a production company with Warren Beatty, Gary Hart and Hugh Grant. He is frequently seen with Lonnie Anderson. Angelenos compete to get the best sighting of Clinton and production assistants in compromising positions. Sen. Hillary Clinton stops crooning "Stand By Your Man," and starts humming "D-I-V-O-R-C-E." She has some new work done on her face and Wall Street suits begin to see La Hil as the Ultimate Trophy Wife. Takeover dons come a-courting. The senator marries a multimillionaire with a Manhattan penthouse and Riviera retreat, starts wearing big sunglasses and pillbox hats. Monica Lewinsky moves in with Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferugson. Fleet Street has a field day trying to figure out the dynamics of a royal menage a trois. Andy, Fergie and Moncy, as Monica now calls herself, hold the first big British fund-raiser for the Democratic Party. Vice President Al Gore does what he did after his first failed bid for the White House in 1988: He has a midlife crisis and writes a book. After the 1988 loss, Gore wrote an enviro tome, "Earth in the Balance." The post-2000 book will be titled "Politics in the Balance; I Got the Most Votes but I'm Not Bitter." Newsweek runs excerpts that feature embarrassing vignettes of the Clintons. Tipper Gore finds true happiness growing hemp and taking photos of her thriving plants. Janet Reno has to be forcibly removed from her Department of Justice office. Terry McAuliffe, the new chairman of the Democratic National Committee, decides to let it all hang out and holds a $10 million-per-table fund-raiser. He calls it The Politics of Personal Destruction Ball. Linda Tripp marries the man who married Kathleen Willey after they divorce. Tripp is hurt when Lewinsky turns down her request to write a diet book together -- Lewinsky already is writing a book with Fergie -- but her career gets a boost when Dr. Laura Schlessinger asks Tripp to fill in on her days off. Former Clinton Department of Justice aide and ex-con Webster Hubbell runs over his dog as he pulls out of his driveway on way to pick up a six-figure check from a one-time big Clinton campaign donor. "At least Fido doesn't have to worry about Ken Starr indicting him," Webbell tells reporters. Ken Starr is attacked by an angry mob at Chicago's O'Hare airport during the Christmas-travel crunch. Starr presses charges against a man who kept poking him in the ribs. The man testifies that he knew no other way to tell Starr how angry he was about how the one-time special prosecutor had intruded on the privacy rights of married men who have affairs with female subordinates.