Dan Gainor

We did everything by the numbers. We looked at how the Clinton folks ran health care last time and we did exactly the opposite. I bought off everybody I could – doctors, pharmaceutical companies, NBC and more. If they couldn’t be bribed, they were bullied. Rahm’s specialty. We talked to everybody who mattered.

Except, I guess, the voters. Who knew they actually mattered any time other than in an election? It wasn’t my fault. I’ve barely run for anything in my life. But the whole town hall situation caught us with our pants down – oddly reminiscent of Clinton.

It just got ugly from there. Yelling, screaming, threats, protests. And that was from Democrats. Blue Dogs were angry about the public option. And progressives were angrier than Michelle was when Sarko and I checked out that Italian booty.

Now I’m stuck using Ted Kennedy’s death as a rally cry for “KennedyCare.” That only works if no one looks at the care he got – flying a private jet to the best surgery team in the country.

And forget all that anti-war garbage. I can already see the “Obama = Carter” bumper stickers. I can’t cut and run from Afghanistan so I had to use the best strategy. Just don’t tell anyone I stole it from GW. The left howled enough already. Cindy Sheehan actually protested my vacation, the little ingrate.

To keep the left happy, I let Holder do a Michael Vick on the CIA. Progressives always love that.

The high point of the summer? Getting Sonia Sotomayor confirmed? Hah. With 60 Senate votes, I should have been able to get Ron Jeremy confirmed. Now that’s power. “Wise Latina,” my butt. If she was so wise, how come she got caught on video? You don’t see my college days ending up on YouTube.

No, the only fun I really had all summer was speaking in Cairo and telling everyone that I’m “Barack Hussein Obama.” Can we annoy the birthers? Yes we can. Darn, now I have that song stuck in my head. If I hear the Black Eyed Peas sing “Yes We Can” one more time, I’m going to appoint a music czar and have the song banned. Give me some Barbara Mandrell any day.

Here’s hoping things change when Congress gets back. Not that hope and change ever made things better. Well, there’s always a first time.

Your friend,

Barry, oops, Barack

Dan Gainor

Dan Gainor is The Boone Pickens Free Market Fellow and director of the Media Research Center’s Business & Media Institute.