Q. Every holiday season, there a guy in my office that makes the Grinch look charming. I usually plan any holiday parties or dinners, and my coworker makes the task miserable. He doesn't just decline. He glowers, insults whatever I plan, and makes a scene out of not coming. Ideas?
A. The only thing less fun than going to a workplace holiday party is having to plan the party. Most office party planners have found out that the word "work" and the word "party" are mutually exclusive for good reasons.
For most folks, the office party is an exercise in navigating a frightening amount of office politics without the relief of escaping to an in-basket. Genuine socializing to celebrate the end of year is enjoyable, but not with the threat of ruining your career hanging over your head.
The truth is your coworker is taking out his normal and reasonable dismay about the holiday party on you. The other truth is you don't have to play along.
Next December, before the Grinch can land on you like the ghost of Christmas past, ask to speak with him privately. Let him know you need his advice.
Once you have him alone, say: "Paul, I'm in the awkward position of having to plan our office party. I know you know it's a difficult job. Our boss is considering asking someone new to plan it next year, and I wouldn't want to nominate you. If you could privately make suggestions to me, I'll continue to plan it. Otherwise, I'll ask our boss to consider you."
In the workplace, if you don't want a coworker to continue to behave badly, it is not enough to let them know you are upset. For certain personalities, upsetting you may be the high point of their day. Realize that when you are upset, you are the only one who is truly affected by the situation.
If you want to be able to motivate any personality in the office, you'd benefit from skipping the part where you complain about your feelings. Instead, alert your coworker to a consequence that will affect them. You'll now have the immediate and undivided attention of the coworker you want to influence.
Even the Grinch had an agenda. I'd imagine that last thing your coworker has on his holiday list is planning the party for 2010. When you make it clear the party may land in his lap next year, I suspect he'll be content to let you plan your party in peace.
The last word
Q. You always write so patiently about stupid, mean, or miserable workplace relationships. Don't you think that the problem is simple ... mean people suck?
A. No, the problem is that many of us don't have a toolkit for making sure that bad behavior is never rewarded around us.