Q. I have been extremely successful in my work, but a decent love life eludes me. Older colleagues tell me that success at work means sacrificing love. Is it truly harder for successful people to marry than others, and how do you combine a demanding career with love?
A. Yes, it is true that the more demanding your career, the more challenging it can be to find and keep a good marriage. Most people who are successful in the workplace are driven to prove how competent and strong they are. Intimacy demands the ability to examine our weaknesses.
Obviously, marriages can end for many reasons, and finding a match for the first time -- or the third time -- is never easy. Thus I sought the advice of Chris Stelmack, owner of the 4M Club, which specializes in helping successful men find their matches.
Chris turns traditional matchmaking for the affluent on its head by publicly stating she is not in the market to match gold diggers with seekers of trophy wives. The men pay the fee, but the women in her club are educated, bright and accomplished in their own right. She also has women in every age group.
I asked her what mistakes she sees successful men make when hunting for true love.
"Men can look at finding a woman like ordering a car," Stelmack observed. "They may end up turning down the perfect women because her hair wasn't the right shade of brunette. I call this the 'Mr. Picky Pants' syndrome."
She realizes that powerful men may be used to getting their way much of the time. When it comes to true love, she coaches them to share control, work on their social skills, and realize that choosing a partner means giving up chasing after other possibilities.
Women, she chuckled, bring other challenges to the table. "They sometimes want a combination of Brad Pitt, Einstein, and Warren Buffett. I have to explain why that combination doesn't occur in nature!"
Stelmack thinks both genders tend to make judgments about a date too quickly. She advises both the men and women in her service to use her "three-date rule."
On the first date, "you're not yourself," Stelmack observed. On the second date, "you relax a little; but on the third date, people know whether the date is a match."
When I asked her about chemistry, Stelmack rolled her eyes. "We're not in high school any more," she said. "I want my clients to look at the whole package. Marriage is a long adventure together and not a flash in the pan. Expecting instant chemistry prevents people from seeing a potential long-term relationship."
Nothing is more demoralizing than a flubbed job interview, except for rejection after a date, so I asked her what words of encouragement she'd offer to the successful and single.