Q. My coworker thoroughly enjoys embarrassing me in front of the rest of my team. In any meeting, she scolds me for some infraction that has offended her. I generally nod and don't respond but I'm sick of the criticism. How do I get her to knock it off?
A. Realize that nodding and not responding has actually encouraged your coworker's bad behavior. In addition, realize that your team members are scared of her because they're afraid she'll turn her critical remarks their direction.
Obviously fighting with her in front of the whole team will make you and everyone else uncomfortable. Also, fighting publicly with her will give her more power than she already has.
Let's say she launches into an attack on your coffee drinking habits at the meeting. Simply say, "Collette, it sounds like you would like our team to vote on whether we all will allow coffee drinking at our meetings." Now look calmly at the rest of the group and say, "What does the rest of the group want to do?"
Now the hard part ... be quiet and wait for the group to respond. By paraphrasing your coworker's point of view as one opinion and turning the decision over to your team you've cleverly dethroned the queen of criticism. You've put the power back where it belongs -- in the hands of the entire team.
Psychologically, it is profoundly helpful to understand that all human beings are sensitive to shame. Your coworker is a master at using shame to manipulate. She is offering you two choices: 1) Do what she wants 2) Suffer public humiliation.
Unfortunately, in most workplaces people who shame others garner great power. Fortunately, like the Wizard of Oz who hides behinds his curtain, your coworker doesn't have any real power. When you turn any issue over to your team for a vote, you break the spell of her humiliation tactics.
Once your team votes, your coworker will become just one more human being on your team with no more power than anyone else. You've also broken the spell of fear she previously cast over your coworkers by modeling how to handle her.
When your coworker realizes she is no longer able to manipulate with shame, her power will melt away and you and your coworkers will be free to be productive in peace.
The last word(s)
Q. I am a huge fan of your column but fail to understand one thing, why can't people just be logical and rational in the workplace?
A. Because they're human beings even at work.