Q. I've identified projects I'd like to work on in 2009 but I am not certain my boss would agree to put me on the team. I don't want to ask him unless I know he will approve my requests. How do I figure out what he'll say?
A. If you really want to have a shot at doing these projects, then you'll have to risk disappointment, rejection, or embarrassment and ask your boss. There is no way you can guarantee his approval without taking this risk.
Many of my new clients find it puzzling that I am such a constant fan of asking (diplomatically) for what you want. Many of my new clients also assume that the point of asking for something is to get what they want.
The actual benefit of asking for what you want is that you first get to identify it internally and specifically and you then get the opportunity to articulate your request to another human being. Even if that human being turns you down, you still win. You know what you want and you can tolerate the risk of asking for it.
If you continue to voice your request to multiple human beings, you'll usually find someone who'll say, "Yes!" In the meantime, every time you ask, you'll get better at putting what you want into words.
The real reason most of us hate asking for anything is that we dislike dependency. For many of us, the relationship with the first people we were dependent on (our parents) wasn't so peachy. Most of generalize from our parents and assume being needy or dependent on people is a recipe for pain. Thus we go through life and work trying to be needless wonders.
The problem is we can't have a successful career without help from other people. Show me anyone thriving in his/her career and I'll show you a person who is good at asking for things and a support network who has helped him/her.
If you are someone who figures it doesn't do any good to ask if the other person says, "No," think again. By asking, you learn something about yourself and you learn something about the other person. If it's clear they will never give you what you want, you are freed up to get what you want from someone else.
The price of admission to get what we want at work is our willingness to feel uncomfortable when we put our hat in our hands and ask. If you can tolerate the discomfort of that vulnerability, you'll be amazed how much easier asking gets.
One of the best resolutions you could make for 2009 is to risk asking for what you really want!
The last word(s)
A. My boss is hitting on my female coworker. He's a shark. Should I warn her or stay out of it.
A. Stay out of it. Forcing a coworker to see the truth will generally just hurt you.