-- I will force all government leaders and agencies to follow the Constitution and Bill of Rights or deport them immediately to their new "Guantanamo Bay offices" in the newly incorporated U.S. territory of the North Pole.
-- Because America will be a Chucktatorship and because I'm tired of the bickering of partisan politics, I am going to unite the Republicans and Democrats into one party, called the "Republicrats."
-- In order to slash the deficit, instead of Congress receiving cushy pensions that are more like lotteries, I will turn back the salary clock to the good ol' days from 1789 to 1815, when members received per diem payments of $6 (for only the days they worked). Or maybe I'll fight for the proposal of Benjamin Franklin, who, during the Constitutional Convention, considered recommending that elected officials receive no payment at all for their service because they should execute their duties out of love for their country and its citizens.
-- Once I'm in office, the Texas court system will handle all future federal and state court cases. All parties involved will be allowed full and fair hearings under our "Alamo Due Process."
-- Fox News will add one more foxy White House correspondent to its lineup: my wife, Gena. But if anyone calls her "sweetie," he'll wish he hadn't.
-- I will erect two additional terrorist-deterring national monuments to two of my favorite movie stars and heroes: John Wayne and Charlton Heston. These monuments will be known collectively as "The Smith & Wesson Memorials." (Of course, Heston's will have a three-story high Ten Commandments fountain in the center.)
-- Regardless of who becomes president, I will write and deliver the next four State of the Union speeches, titled "We did it THE PEOPLE's way I, II, III and IV."
-- My only selfish request remains to preside over and "handle" the trial of Osama bin Laden, but I doubt it ever will happen because, as it says in a Chuck Norris "fact" I read online, Osama never will be found because he owes me $5.
-- My greatest goal in my first 30 days in office, however, will be to force oil cartels to cut gas prices in half immediately, or they'll find themselves missing in action in Siberia.
Do I have your vote?