-- Send an autographed photo of my horse and me (no dogs in my White House) to everyone who commits to read my new column and blast a blog who dares to disagree with me.
-- Complete the plan to bring Tony Blair to the U.S. as my vice president.
-- Expose the real WMDs: my fists and feet.
-- Replace Letterman, Leno or Conan once monthly because stand-up comedy is what most governmental officials do anyway.
-- Ask Al Gore to provide me a special governmental study on the connection between spotted owl extinction and global warming. (I'm pretty sure Michael Moore will film the docudrama.)
-- Help Rosie transition from "The View" to the pew; it might help her get over that anger problem. If the pew doesn't work, she can spar Trump in the Rose Garden.
First and foremost, however, my greatest priorities will be to …
-- Personally smoke out bin Laden by myself and roundhouse kick him all the way back to America, where my United Fighting Arts Federation will handle the justice issues.
-- Make all Chuck Norris Facts come true (well, not quite all of them -- I'm a happily married man!) (See www.chucknorrisfacts.com.)
Looking over my campaign promises, I'm sure my liberal friends are rejoicing that I'm not really running for president.