Burt Prelutsky

Not too surprisingly, Ms. Garofalo is a confirmed atheist, toured on behalf of Code Pink and campaigned for Howard Dean. Take that, Mom and Dad! For good measure, in the early 90s, she got married in a Vegas chapel. Whether she and the groom, a fellow named Robert Cohen, were or weren’t drunk at the time, they soon separated, although, for reasons of their own, never bothered getting divorced.

Although she came to be fairly well known because of her role in “The Truth About Cats and Dogs,” she claims she despised the movie because she regards it as anti-feminist. One wonders why, that being the case, she didn’t turn down the role after reading the script. But, for someone who is so vehement in her opinions about those she regards as hypocrites, the lady manages to cut herself a great deal of slack.

Ms. Garofalo is barely five feet tall, which meant that in “Cats and Dogs,” because the star was Uma Thurman, she often had to stand on a soap box in scenes with the six-foot tall actress. She must have enjoyed the experience, because in 13 years since, she has rarely climbed down from her soap box.

Besides having had parents who worked in industries Ms. Garofalo hates, she isn’t too happy about the hand or, rather, the size and shape God dealt her. As she says about prepping to be a stand-up comedienne, “I was a 36C or D and at 5’1”, I knew that being a small person with big boobs standing in front of an audience was not going to be easy. It would be really hard to get people to pay attention to me without mocking me. Getting a breast reduction to prepare for my career was no different from people who work to get good grades to get into a good college to get into a good graduate school to get a good job. I went down to a B-cup, and it was the best thing in the world.”

Now, why would she assume people would mock her? Obviously, it’s because if she were the one sitting in the audience, she’d be the one snickering and heckling. On the other hand, it’s really just about impossible not to mock someone who compares studying hard in college and graduate school to going to a plastic surgeon one afternoon for a breast reduction procedure. Funny, but when I think of something to compare it to, the first thing that comes to mind is a nose job.

She has directed much of her anger over the years at society for putting pressure on women to conform to body image ideals. And yet in pursuit of a feature role in “Jerry Maguire,” she lost a good deal of weight, only to discover that Renee Zellweger had snagged the part.

One could almost feel sorry for her if she wasn’t such a nasty piece of work. When speaking about Sarah Palin, Garofalo said, “There is definitely something wrong about her.” I assumed she had something in mind aside from the governor’s being smart, attractive and happily married. But when Garofalo got down to specifics, the best she could come up with was that Gov. Palin was small-minded and mean-spirited, whereas she, herself, is obviously open-minded and a real sweetie pie.

When it comes to right-wingers in general, she brayed, “The reason a person is a conservative Republican is because something is wrong with them. That’s science -- that’s neuroscience. You cannot be well-adjusted, open-minded, pluralistic, enlightened and be a Republican. It’s counterintuitive.” That’s sure a lot of big words wasted only to prove what a small and petty mind she possesses.

About the recent tea parties, the all-seeing, all-knowing gnome, who naturally didn’t attend one, says, “Let’s be very honest about what this is about. This is not about bashing Democrats. It’s not about taxes. They have no idea what the Boston Tea Party was about. They don’t know their history at all. It’s about having a black man in the White House. This is racism straight up and is nothing but a bunch of tea-bagging rednecks. There is no way around that.”

As if it’s not bad enough that she is such an arrogant, ignorant, self-satisfied woman who, if she’d only grow a big red mustache, would look and sound a lot like Yosemite Sam, she’s also a sell-out. How else to explain why she’d accept a role on “24,” portraying FBI Special Agent Janis Gold, whose mission is investigating terrorists?

But just maybe Janeane Garofalo isn’t quite as unaware of the sad truth about herself as she would have us believe. After all, it isn’t as if her production company woke up one day and decided to name itself I Hate Myself Productions.