Burt Prelutsky

There are three groups of people whose work is never finished. The first of these are the guys who apparently spend their entire working lives painting the Golden Gate Bridge. The second group consists of housewives. That reminds me that I’ve always had a sneaky suspicion that after giving birth the first time, the only reason that women have additional babies is so they’ll have a little bed rest along the way. The third group is far smaller in number, consisting of those of us whose lot in life is to try to make sense of all the non-stop goofiness.

For instance, how is it that so many people are insisting that Barry Bonds is innocent until proven guilty in a court of law? Courts, after all, are places where duplicitous lawyers often manage to pull the wool over the eyes of really dumb jurors and incompetent judges. Oh, I’m not denying that “innocent until proven guilty” has a nice ring to it, but I much prefer to believe my own eyes. I say that anyone who isn’t convinced that Bonds is a walking commercial for Balco’s chemical products is a ninny. One only has to look at the numbers. I’m not just referring to the fact that in his 14 seasons prior to 1999, he averaged 31 homers a year, while suddenly between the ages of 36 and 40, Bonds averaged 51, with season totals of 49, 73, 46, 45 and 45.

As intriguing as those statistics are, I’m referring to those other suspicious numbers relating to the man’s physical dimensions. It’s not just that his head and body have expanded in the same magical way as the Hulk, but his baseball cap could now be worn comfortably by the Goodyear blimp and he’s now wearing shoes three sizes larger than before he was Balconized. If you really believe that occurs as the natural result of working out in the gym, I have a lovely bridge I’d like to sell you, and it’s not the Golden Gate. Other than as a result of human growth hormones, there’s only one other way his shoe size could have increased that dramatically and I, for one, would have had to have witnessed the elephant actually stepping on his feet.

Just one more thing: If, as I’m sure his defense attorneys are going to insist, Bonds didn’t knowingly use human growth steroids, how is it he never got around to suing Balco for turning him into a circus freak?