Records That Didn't Really Need Breaking

Burt Prelutsky

10/26/2007 12:01:00 AM - Burt Prelutsky

As a rule, if I think about places where I’m most likely to encounter truly eccentric characters, I think first about English mystery novels, the floor of the U.S. Senate or my family reunions. But even the likes of Miss Jane Marple, Hercule Poirot, Robert Byrd, Ted Kennedy and my uncle Jake, all pale by comparison to the folks whose exploits are chronicled in the pages of the Guinness Book of World Records.

What makes the book such a marvel is that the records are simply listed without commentary or explanation. Nobody, for instance, bothered asking Jackie Bibby why one day he decided to share his bath with 75 rattlesnakes. Was it simply because the previous record holder had shared his bath with 74 rattlesnakes or did the number 75 hold special meaning for him? Was it perhaps his IQ?

According to Reuters, which somehow got its hands on the new edition before the rest of us, there is hardly a nation on earth that isn’t represented in this odd catalogue of human achievements.

For instance, Germany’s Thomas Vogel, using only one hand, mind you, managed to unfasten 56 bras in just 60 seconds, while on the other side of the world 3,541 women in the Philippines got together in order to simultaneously breast-feed their babies.

In India, Yoga instructor G.P. Vijayakumar snorted eight fish from his mouth through his nostrils in a minute. I can’t help wondering how a guy first comes to realize he has this gift.

In Italy, Michele Santana decided that a good way to spend her time was by typing 57 books backwards. Again, one wonders if the old record was 56 or if, as she began typing book number 58, she belatedly came to her senses.

Australian John Allwood, whose last name probably best describes his head, took just a minute to smash 40 watermelons with his noggin.

Ms. Lee Richmond, the pride of Utah, has fingernails that are a combined 24 feet seven inches long. That translates to about two-and-a-half feet per nail. While I wouldn’t pay a plugged nickel to watch Ms. Santana type those 57 books, I’d pay good money to watch Ms. Richmond try to type a single page.

The tallest man in the world is Leonid Stadnik of the Ukraine, who stands 8’5” and the tallest woman is Indiana’s Sandy Allen, who tops out at 7’7”. So far as I know, Mr. Stadnik and Ms. Allen have never met. But it might be a nice idea if they did. They’d probably have a lot to talk about. If nothing else, it would finally give her the opportunity to ask someone else how the weather is up there.

Vietnam’s Tran Van Hay, who has saved a great deal of money by not going to the barber in over 30 years, has hair that’s 20 feet long. To give you some idea how long that is, if Ms. Allen stood on Mr. Stadnik’s head, Mr. Hay’s hair would still beat them by a good four feet.

Switzerland’s Marco Hurt can fit 264 straws in his mouth at one time, so don’t even think about sharing a chocolate soda with this guy.

Brazilian-born Elaine Davidson, who has 4,250 body piercings, somehow ended up living in Scotland, of all places. I can only assume that someone in Glasgow was playing with a very large magnet one day.

The claim to fame of Frenchman Michel Lotito, who apparently never heard of garage sales, is that he has consumed 128 bicycles, 15 supermarket carts, six chandeliers, two beds and a pair of skis. I guess a nice cream sauce makes all the difference.

And, finally,Turkey is represented by Mahmet Ozyurek, who has a nose that’s three-and-a-half inches long. As achievements go, that’s not much. But as noses go, it’s certainly nothing to sneeze at.