Burt Prelutsky

It seems like every other week, Pat Robertson gets himself into hot water by announcing that he received yet another personal message from the Almighty. Right off the bat, I’ll admit two things. One, I have no way of knowing if he does or he doesn’t. After all, hundreds of millions of Christians and Jews believe that any number of people in biblical days were on speaking terms with the Lord. So, why should it be so unreasonable that once in a while, like when He gets really lonely, he rings up Reverend Robertson for a chat?

My second admission, assuming that these conversations are actually taking place, is that I’m jealous. I’d like to know what God is thinking, and I’m not talking about thousands of years ago. I mean, right now, this morning.

For instance, take AIDS. When the cause of that modern-day plague was discovered, some folks insisted it was God’s judgment visited on homosexuals, sort of a viral form of locusts. They bolstered their case by quoting from the Bible. But I was unconvinced. To me, it seemed like a severe case of overkill. I mean, like most straight males, I regard gay sex as rather off-putting, to put it mildly. But, let’s face it, I don’t like watching Woody Allen smooching with young actresses in his movies. That’s just me being me. Besides, over-eating and smoking can lead to terminal diseases, but nobody would suggest that it’s God’s way of punishing people for following up a Double Whopper with a chocolate malt and a Marlboro.

Wouldn’t it be nice to know if God actually regards homosexuality as a capital offense? I mean, maybe He does. After all, except for those people like Arthur Ashe and Paul Michael Glaser’s wife, people who contracted the disease through blood transfusions, only sodomites and drug addicts catch it and spread it around. Maybe God is that judgmental, but I’d like to hear it from Him, personally.

It would also be good to know if God is trying to get rid of Indonesia. After all, it’s not only home to large numbers of Islamic fascists, it is also the world’s number one go-to place when it comes to the child sex trade.

Personally, if the tidal wave, the massive earthquake, and the lava-spewing volcano, are all part of the Almighty’s plan to wipe the place off the face of the earth, I’d understand. I just wish He’d told me before I wrote that check for the tsunami relief fund.

It’s not just the money, you understand, but I’d hate for Him to think I was trying to thwart His plans. I mean, imagine how annoyed God would have been if right after leveling Sodom and Gomorrah, Jerry Lewis had hosted a telethon that raised millions of dollars to re-build the twin cities, and make them good as new!