Burt Prelutsky

When a politician speaks, there are two things he will invariably lie about. The first is that he wants to get money out of the election process. What he really wants is to get money out of his opponent's election process.

Politicians claim it's demeaning to ask people for campaign funds. Well, not entirely.  For one thing, fund-raising events allow politicians to hog the spotlight and to hobnob with show business celebrities. For another, in what other endeavor do people -- often perfect strangers -- contribute their hard-earned money to keep another person gainfully employed? That's pretty heady stuff.

Imagine having a $500-a-plate dinner held in your honor and having movie stars show up for bad chicken, stale rolls and a fruit cup, just to hear you talk about yourself. Believe me, you don't get your ego massaged that way if you sell insurance or work at the widget factory. Only pols expect their fellow Americans to volunteer time and money to help them get or keep a job. What a deal!

And what a job! When you're at work, you spend most of your time deciding how to spend other people's money. And when you're not working, you're flying around the world on junkets passed off as fact-finding missions. And instead of being treated like the spongers they are, they get standing ovations from adoring throngs, and get to see their faces plastered on the cover of Time.

The other big lie you hear from these shmoes is that they favor smaller government and less bureaucracy. Take it from me, no politician wants less power. They may disagree among themselves as to how to spend your tax dollars, but every last one of them thinks he would spend your money far more wisely than you would.

As for their desire to eliminate bureaucrats, you might as well believe that the Pentagon wants a smaller army. Politicians measure their own power and prestige by the number of bureaucrats they oversee. It's called patronage. In Washington, it passes for mother's milk.

And, although I am a conservative, I regret to say that Republicans are no different from Democrats when it comes to such basic matters as money, ego and influence.  They are just as likely to ignore U.S. sovereignty by granting amnesty to illegals, as they go trolling for Hispanic votes, and arguing for affirmative action, as they go whoring for black votes.

When you get right down to it, there's one sure way to tell when a politician is lying.  Just check to see if his mouth is moving.