BCS Czar – You may have noticed that despite rising unemployment, two wars and a battle over health care, our Congress has taken up the mantle of the BCS rating system for college football and establishment of a national playoff system. While President Obama has spoken out on this issue, he still needs to appoint a Czar to bring this sad chapter in the history of the Republic to a compassionate ending. Nothing stresses the average American more than not knowing whether their alma mater will have a fair shot at bringing home the national championship trophy.
Saved Jobs Czar – Since President Obama has introduced this new concept of saved jobs, most Americans have been left in the cosmic dust. As the country loses jobs at a clip of about 450,000 per month, it is clear he has not done a good job of communicating about these “saved” jobs. A new Czar to specialize in this area would work wonders in helping Americans understand this new concept. Photo ops with plumbers, office workers and engineers who have had their jobs saved by the Anointed One would help our collective psyche. I suggest he not appoint that drab economist who he keeps rolling out for congressional hearings. He would only remind us all of the jobs lost.
Latke Czar – This may not affect the average American, but to Jewish Americans this is of utmost importance. Since the President has done everything possible to antagonize Jews over Israel, I thought he might go for this one. For those of you who do not know, latkes are a potato pancake-like delicacy that is an intricate part of the Hanukkah celebration. Unfortunately, there are some pretty bad latkes out there. Since we wait all year to savor these delectable items, being faced with bad latkes during Hanukkah can ruin the entire holiday season and carry over into the New Year. While attending our first White House Hanukkah Party, my wife thought at first glance their latkes to be puffy crab cakes which demonstrates that even the accomplished White House chefs can mutilate this food. If President Obama appoints a Czar now, he can save many Jews a lot of anguish during the upcoming holiday season and possibly lock up the Jewish vote for generations.
I am confident that each of you can pinpoint other Czars that could help solve the festering problems of our nation. We need to advise our President on these so he can incorporate them into his administration. And the bonus here is that if he appoints enough Czars he can solve at least one important problem – unemployment.