Bruce Bialosky

Our new President has adopted the idea of having Czars to deal with special issues of importance. He has named about three dozen Czars dealing to address significant matters like global warming and executive compensation. Their appointments have become very controversial, as there have been complaints about them circumventing the congressional approval and oversight processes.

I say damn these naysayers. I have come to embrace this idea despite the fact of being Jewish and having an aversion to Czars, due to a history of pogroms against my ancestors. And I just feel that we need a few more to round out Obama’s efforts.

Yard Sale Czar – Since the government has put out a handbook to guide us about how to be in compliance with product safety laws when having a yard sale, it would be most important to appoint a Czar to assure proper enforcement of these rules. Along with that, the Czar should consider standards for signs advertising the sales. I see some pretty dreadful ones. Also, used underwear and socks should be restricted from sales as this is a definite product safety issue.

Apology Czar – To many of us watching news reports of his most recent trips abroad, President Obama seemed to be on an “apology tour” for perceived misbehaviors of America in the past. I think he has just begun to scratch the surface on this and needs to appoint a Czar to root out all past inappropriate behavior of the American government and people. I can think of many he has not yet touched on. For example, he needs to apologize to Spain for the Spanish-American War, to Mexico for accepting Texas into the Union, to France for underpaying for the Louisiana Purchase and to the rest of the world for our basketball team’s performance at the 2004 Olympics. I am sure there is enough work here to carry through at least four years of his presidency. Just the 70’s with Afros, bell-bottom pants and tie-dyed clothing could cover a couple of years’ work.

Twinkie Czar – Dan White blamed this iconic food as the reason why he murdered Harvey Milk and George Moscone. Since that time, Twinkies have never recovered and our country has never been the same. This Czar could help to reestablish the importance of this unjustifiably maligned source of unique nutritional value. As part of the Czar’s role Hostess Cupcakes, Ding-Dongs and Snowballs can be brought back to their former glory as well. Given enough time, ice cream specialties such as Push-Ups could also be saved.

Bruce Bialosky

Bruce Bialosky is the founder of the Republican Jewish Coalition of California and a former Presidential appointee to The U.S. Holocaust Memorial Council. Follow him on Twitter @brucebialosky or contact him at