Take NBC's "Friends," first up during the family hour every Thursday night. In one plot, Monica is disturbed that she found her husband Chandler "molesting himself" to a shark attack show. "Yes, Chandler watches shark porn." Later, Chandler reassures her he was switching channels from "some good old-fashioned American girl-on-girl action," and Monica replies, "Can I tell you how happy that makes me?"
An hour later on Thursday nights, "Will and Grace" is routinely pumped with sexual metaphors, including masturbation. In one show, flighty Karen explained why she was late: "You have to talk to that shower head. He got a little fresh. I had to put him in his place. Well, my place." NBC's "Third Watch" has a character named Bosco who regularly greets thuggish people as "jag-off" or a "sad piece of jag-off."
It's not just NBC. On ABC's "Drew Carey Show," scary Mimi is hunting for a corporate spy in the office. "First I thought it was Doug here. He's always looking guilty, sneaking off to the stairwell. But it turns out he's just a compulsive masturbator." A "C.S.I." plot on CBS featured a peeping-Tom murder suspect. One detective claimed the suspect's low sperm count suggests "excessive masturbation," and another says "Yeah, you'd know it, Spanky." The WB network has a sitcom, "Grounded for Life," with a running gag about their teenage son always heading to the bathroom with a Cosmopolitan magazine. Always-classy Fox's show "Funniest Animal Outtakes" featured a dog pleasuring himself on a child's toy rocking horse. And if this flood of references isn't enough for you, try watching cable TV.
It's impossible not to be pessimistic and predict that the filth on TV will continue to trickle down like acid on the rest of the popular culture until there are few unsexualized corners where children might hide. In the "Doonesbury" dispute, Trudeau said he understood that certain words are still unacceptable in a family newspaper, but he hinted this outbreak of community standards may be the last: "It's a 'South Park' world now, and younger readers are unlikely to be shocked or confused by anything they find in 'Doonesbury.'"
Thanks, Hollywood. Even the funnies aren't going to be safe for children anymore.