"Plug the damn hole." So spake The Great Obama from high atop Mount Olympus, looking down upon the mere mortals struggling below. Those pitiful human beings were covered in oil, their bodies slick with it; they were weeping as they looked over the vast panoramic sea, which shone grimily in great rainbow smears, dead animals floating on the surface. The executives of British Petroleum sat on the beaches, heads in their hands, gazing gloomily at the hazy horizon.
And then, they heard the Great Obama's words from on high. "Why didn't I think of that?" asked BP CEO Tony Hayward. "What a magnificent idea!" shouted Doug Suttles, BP's chief operating officer. And together, they built an enormous cork and placed it in the hole in the ocean floor (along with Jack Shephard from "LOST"), and thus was ended the saga of the BP oil spill.
Thereupon, The Great Obama laughed and giggled and clapped his hands in mirth, and turned his attention to the problem of America's southern border. He sneered in scorn as he saw the pathetic, dirty, discriminatory Arizonans gnashing their teeth over illegal immigration. Then he stood before Mexico's President Felipe Calderon, and sonorously stated, "In the 21st century, we are defined not by our borders, but by our bonds."
And all illegal immigrants immediately turned around and went home, impressed with The Great Obama's clear thinking and inspirational vision. The Arizonans realized the error of their ways and gave thanks to The Great Obama for finding an easy solution to the devilish problem.
Upon seeing such repentance, The Great Obama smiled his benevolent smile and swung his upturned chin toward Israel. He shook his head in anger at the uppity Jews who would dare to suggest that The Great Obama could not solve the Iranian nuclear problem and the Arab-Israel conflict with a flap of his grandiloquent tongue. And The Great Obama snorted as those same uppity Jews suggested that they needed nuclear weapons to protect themselves from the Muslim nations surrounding them. "Whether we're talking about Israel or any other country," he grandly intoned, "we think that becoming part of the [Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty] is important."
And The Great Obama's generousness of spirit converted the Iranian government to a spirit of peacefulness, cooperation and philo-Semitism. And the Chosen People smote themselves on their foreheads and understood that The Great Obama was correct, and that all they had to do was concede to Muslim terrorists. Because after all, The Great Obama's words had the power of deeds.
The Great Obama shined his Nobel Peace Prize and smirked and patted himself on the back, and then shifted his gaze toward the European Union. Those feeble and piteous citizens were shrieking and wailing and beating their breasts in lamentation over the incipient bankruptcy of their countries and their currency. Their governmental officials cried because they had no ability to cut deficits without cutting costs. And The Great Obama grinned a wide grin, and he reportedly descanted above the hubbub, "Hey, guys, we all have a stake in this."
And suddenly, like a light from above, the EU knew what to do: They praised The Great Obama for his foresight, and they magically created money that would save their countries without having to subject the populaces to the hardships of free market life. There was great rejoicing in the streets and much drinking and making merry.
Once again, all was well with the world.
In real life, it turns out that The Great Obama can speak as much as he pleases; he can reel off inspirational phrases; he can fill the air with high-falutin' rhetoric -- and yet without correct action, none of it means anything. It's worse than that -- all of the meaningless words are actually counterproductive, because they incentivize evil people to do whatever they want without fear of consequences.
It turns out that the only way to plug a hole is to plug it, not to talk about it; the only way to stop illegal immigration is to stop it , not blather about it; the only way to stop Iran is to defeat Iran, not to bluster about it; the only way to stop fiscal meltdown is to cut spending, not to bloviate about it.
But Obama's too busy up on Mount Olympus to pay attention to reality. He's content to blame others, to speak loudly and carry a toothpick. We're all paying the price for his god delusion. The only hole that needs to be plugged is his mouth.
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