Dear Democrats: Think of reading as a text-based thong-clad intern. Reading, like that thong-clad intern, can be fun, so long as you ensure that you stay on the page. Here are a few basic rules to help you achieve that purpose.
First, you must learn what words mean. The word "literally" means the plain, unvarnished truth. Yet you guys somehow use that word as though it means its precise opposite, "figuratively." During the 2008 election campaign, Joe Biden said that Obama would be able to "literally, literally ... change the direction of the world." This is untrue. The only Democrat with the ability to literally change the direction of the world is Michael Moore, who can do so using his gravitational pull. Rev. Jeremiah Wright, one of Obama's former best buddies, misused the word in classic fashion this week, claiming that "When Obama threw me under the bus, he threw me under the bus literally!" If only.
Second, once you know what words mean, take them literally when it comes to the law. This means that you should read laws as doing what they say they do, not what you wish they did. The Constitution does not say anything about a right to abortion because there is no right to abortion in the Constitution. The Arizona law explicitly bars racial profiling, which means that it does not allow racial profiling. Law is not poetry. It is law.
Third, read the laws before you pass them. This one isn't tough once you realize that it's important. All it takes is a quick call to Hooked on Phonics. Their number is 1-800-ABCDEFG. Sasha and Malia can dial it for you -- judging by your spending habits, you have as much trouble with numbers as with letters.
We elected you to do your job. That job entails thinking about policy prescriptions, then codifying those policy prescriptions in law. So far, it seems you are skipping both of these elements, and focusing instead on the perks of your office. If you refuse to read, we'll send you a piece of paper you can understand: a pink slip.
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