Ben Shapiro

Scientists reported this week that on April 13, 2036, an asteroid has a 1 in 45,000 chance of hitting Earth. The good news: No Tax Day, 2036. The bad news: An entire city or region could bite the dust.

"We need a set of general principles to deal with this issue," explains former astronaut Rusty Schweickart. To that end, scientists are calling on the United Nations to take action. The Association of Space Engineers will present a plan to the UN in 2009 involving the construction of a "Gravity Tractor," which would alter the course of potentially threatening asteroids.

You can just imagine what the UN member states will have to say about this idea.

IRAN: "Space is a decadent Western lie. It does not exist. Asteroids are no more real than the Zionist Entity. It is possible, however, that the 12th imam is riding this so-called space rock. In that case, we can only hope that he steers it into a large building in a major American city."

CHINA: "Such use of space simply escalates the global arms race. Who is to say that America will not construct such a 'Gravity Tractor' in an attempt to nullify our missile capabilities? Of course, we were never thinking of using such missiles anyway, but it's the principle of the thing!"

VENEZUELA: "This is a plot by the Bush administration to escape culpability for America's part in the global warming crisis. Satan W. Bush is deflecting attention from the fact that America is heating Earth up like a giant microwave. Bush is hoping that the asteroid hits Venezuela, ending the global warming crisis by blotting out the sun."

NORTH KOREA: "Kim Jong Il is the Lode Star of the 21st Century, the Master of the Computer Who Surprised the World, Power Incarnate with Endless Creativity, Guardian Deity of the Planet. Fear not, Earthlings! Kim Jong Il will save us yet. By the way, will saving Earth get Kim Jong Il a headline? He'd really like one."

SAUDI ARABIA: "This all stems from the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. We will be proposing a seven-point plan designed to create a Palestinian state."

MEXICO: "All we ask is that the prospective inhabitants of this asteroid be allowed free emergency medical care in the United States."

FRANCE: "There is nothing to worry about. When the asteroid shows up, we will provide token resistance before allowing it to roll down the Champs-Elysees. Wait, are you saying that this thing could hit the Louvre?"

CUBA: "This asteroid represents the impending victory of international communism. The exploitation of the bourgeoisie has created an underclass that will rise up in the aftermath of this glorious strike against capitalist society."

RUSSIA: "Is there any way we can sell pieces of this rock? Anybody?"

Ben Shapiro

Ben Shapiro is an attorney, a writer and a Shillman Journalism Fellow at the Freedom Center. He is editor-at-large of Breitbart and author of the best-selling book "Primetime Propaganda: The True Hollywood Story of How the Left Took Over Your TV."
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