You. Yeah, you. Congratulations. You're Time magazine's Person of the Year, 2006. Why? Because they like you -- they really like you!
Well, not really. Mostly, Time is hoping that you are Narcissus, fascinated enough by your reflection on the cover to buy a copy. As Time's managing editor Richard Stengel explained, "If you choose an individual, you have to justify how that person affected millions of people. But if you choose millions of people, you don't have to justify it to anyone." It seems we have finally learned the identity of the man in the purple Barney costume: Stengel, who believes everybody's special, everyone in his or her own way.
So here's to you, Prison Pete. You are a 50-year-old former computer programmer and current inmate -- and blogger -- in the New York State Penitentiary. And you, my friend, are changing the world, one shanking at a time.
Here's to you, Barbra Streisand. Your poorly written, barely edited blog, in which you sound off on politics with all the intelligence and wit of a mentally disabled hyena, is making America safe for burned-out torch singers with large gay fan bases. Cher, Bette Midler -- and Time -- thank you.
Congratulations, rambling drunk college girl with a Webcam. You're changing the world with your profile on MySpace. Sure, those photos will come back to haunt you when you go job-searching, let alone when your future children Google you. But revel in the fact that you are Time's Person of the Year.
And let's not forget the members of the various "largest" and "biggest" Facebook groups "in the world." You are contributing to a higher good. You are bringing people together for the sole purpose of sharing in eponymous glory. Sure, you're not as active as members of the "B---- Stole My Fish" Facebook group, let alone the "We Are Ridiculously Good-Looking" Facebook group. But if ever the world is in need of a bunch of people who sit around together for no purpose -- if, say, the Daily Kos Pot-Smoking Convention is hit by an asteroid -- then you are ready and willing to step up.
Let's all raise a glass to you, various morons on YouTube. Whether you're riding skateboards into bushes, setting yourselves on fire, singing horribly in your basements, or doing unthinkably awful imitations of Conan O'Brien, you are improving the condition of mankind. Winston Churchill won Time's Person of the Year in 1940 and 1949. Today, you prove yourselves his equal.