March 21, 2006, WASHINGTON -- Today, after six years of unending attacks on the honor and credibility of his administration, President Bush called for a constitutional amendment to hand over the reins of American governance to members of the mainstream press. "It has been my privilege to work for the American people," Bush stated, "but I now realize that I can never satisfy the requirements of this office. In my opinion, only one person can meet the challenges we face today: respected journalist Helen Thomas. Furthermore, Congress cannot serve the American populace unless it is represented by opinion writers and reporters from the mainstream media." Congressional Republicans and Democrats stand poised to vote on President Bush's proposal; state legislatures stand at the ready to confirm such an amendment. If passed immediately, Ms. Thomas would take over the presidency on April 1, 2006.
April 1, 2006, WASHINGTON -- Helen Thomas took her oath of office today, officially becoming the 44th president of the United States. In her inaugural address, President Thomas announced the guiding policy for her administration: "We will seek to ensure the security of our citizens without bloodshed and without compromising the values that make America great. We will pull our troops out of Iraq. We will pull our troops out of Afghanistan. We will immediately shut down Guantanamo Bay and release the prisoners of war being held without charge there; we will compensate them for their unjustified detention. We will end warrantless wiretapping, and we will end the torture of terrorists for information. We will shut down the racist vigilante group now patrolling our border with Mexico. I pledge not to threaten or cajole any country into adopting values in concert with those of the United States -- we must earn respect by deference to the values of others. Let us end the War on Terror; let us begin the War for Peace." Thomas' cabinet is an impressive slate of columnists and commentators: Vice President Ted Turner, Secretary of State Thomas Friedman, Secretary of Defense Michael Moore and National Security Advisor Maureen Dowd, among others. The new Senate leader is Arianna Huffington; the new House leader is Oscar-winner George Clooney.
April 2, 2006, WASHINGTON -- Several members of President Thomas' cabinet released statements today thanking the American public for their support and pledging to uphold their oaths of office. "I hope to put a stop to all war. Forever. Yes, forever. I'm rich, so I can do that," read a statement released by VP Turner. Secretary of State Friedman said, "I look forward to traveling to different countries on the taxpayer dime. I can't wait to sip a Coke with President Ahmadinejad of Iran. After all, if we can all drink Coke together, can't we create world peace?" Secretary of Defense Moore was optimistic about the new administration: "We're going to let the freedom fighters have their freedom. We're going to bring the baby-killers home. We're going to force business owners to hire more workers at bayonet point. And we're going to put George W. Bush on trial for war crimes." NSA Maureen Dowd issued the following statement: "Bush and Rummy are gone; the big, burly rough-guys with their impetuously masculine attitude are outta here. Sex and the City party at the White House tonight!" Meanwhile, legislation nationalizing talk radio and diverting the War on Terror budget to NPR is making its way through Congress. The legislation is sponsored by Rep. Clooney, who explained, "The War for Peace has casualties. I want to make sure Rush Limbaugh is the first to sacrifice for his country."
May 1, 2006, the city formerly known as WASHINGTON -- Today, President Thomas completed the handover of the Great Satan to the United Nations. After the six nuclear attacks of last month, and with the country in total chaos, UN Secretary General Kofi Annan offered to broker a peace treaty between the Great Satan and the glorious servants of Mohammed, peace be upon him. The terms of the treaty dictated that the Great Satan rename Washington, D.C., utilize all of its taxpayer funding for purposes consistent with Islamic sharia law, and create a plan for the invasion of Britain, Australia and the Little Satan, Israel. President Thomas heralded the agreement as "a small step for The Nation subscribers, a giant leap for most Americans." Thomas responded to the protests of millions of Americans, stating, "Look, we never lied to you. We are the most honest administration in the history of the former United States." (This story edited for accuracy and blasphemy by the Islamic Press Association.)