March 21, 2006, WASHINGTON -- Today, after six years of unending attacks on the honor and credibility of his administration, President Bush called for a constitutional amendment to hand over the reins of American governance to members of the mainstream press. "It has been my privilege to work for the American people," Bush stated, "but I now realize that I can never satisfy the requirements of this office. In my opinion, only one person can meet the challenges we face today: respected journalist Helen Thomas. Furthermore, Congress cannot serve the American populace unless it is represented by opinion writers and reporters from the mainstream media." Congressional Republicans and Democrats stand poised to vote on President Bush's proposal; state legislatures stand at the ready to confirm such an amendment. If passed immediately, Ms. Thomas would take over the presidency on April 1, 2006.
April 1, 2006, WASHINGTON -- Helen Thomas took her oath of office today, officially becoming the 44th president of the United States. In her inaugural address, President Thomas announced the guiding policy for her administration: "We will seek to ensure the security of our citizens without bloodshed and without compromising the values that make America great. We will pull our troops out of Iraq. We will pull our troops out of Afghanistan. We will immediately shut down Guantanamo Bay and release the prisoners of war being held without charge there; we will compensate them for their unjustified detention. We will end warrantless wiretapping, and we will end the torture of terrorists for information. We will shut down the racist vigilante group now patrolling our border with Mexico. I pledge not to threaten or cajole any country into adopting values in concert with those of the United States -- we must earn respect by deference to the values of others. Let us end the War on Terror; let us begin the War for Peace." Thomas' cabinet is an impressive slate of columnists and commentators: Vice President Ted Turner, Secretary of State Thomas Friedman, Secretary of Defense Michael Moore and National Security Advisor Maureen Dowd, among others. The new Senate leader is Arianna Huffington; the new House leader is Oscar-winner George Clooney.