I believe! I used to walk in darkness, until one day a savior was born in the west wing of a military hospital in Colorado. For years he wandered the earth, seeking those in pain, healing those wounded by the injustices of the Vietnam War. He used the wealth of women to help the meek by seeking his own slot in the United States Senate. And now he?s running for president, praise be to God!
Because, you see, John Edwards convinced me, one bright, fine day, that John Kerry could heal. Heal, you hear? ?When John Kerry is president, people like Christopher Reeve are going to walk. Get up out of that wheelchair and walk again,? the Southern prophet told a group of true believers.
And so I thought to myself: here am I, a mere columnist, a staunch backer of President Bush, and he hasn?t healed anyone. Heck, he ain?t even got hisself a prophet. And I thought again: what if the boy-prophet is right? What if John Kerry actually can heal the paraplegic? Who?s to say that he of the Godly hair has not uttered ultimate truth? After all, the Great Lawyer was once able to channel the thoughts of a brain-damaged girl during one of his trials. Apparently without the aid of any psychedelic drug, the Inspired Attorney exclaimed to a jury: ?She speaks to you through me. And I have to tell you right now ? I didn't plan to talk about this ? right now I feel her. I feel her presence. She's inside me, and she's talking to you.? And you know what? She was inside the prophet! To the tune of a $6.5 million verdict, and a large commission for the purveyor of Godly truth!
Edwards was so good at channeling babies, in fact, that he could tell exactly which ones were victims of malpractice. Despite the lack of any medical evidence suggesting that Caesarian deliveries lowered cerebral palsy, the Channeller was able to tell juries exactly which babies had been damaged as a result of vaginal delivery ? because he wouldn?t take a case knowing it to be baseless. I don?t believe a man who litigated against Edwards, who told the New York Times: ?He paints himself as a person who was serving the interests of the downtrodden, the widows and the little children. Actually, he was after the cases with the highest verdict potential.? That blasphemer!