In 1996, Sen. John Kerry fought the political battle of his life against Republican Gov. William Weld. During the senatorial campaign, Kerry uttered this unforgettable witticism: "Governor, as I listen to you, it's really extraordinary. You talk out of both sides of your mouth more than the Budweiser frogs. It's the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life."
Evidently, John Kerry has several Budweiser frogs hopping around in his gene pool -- a biblical plague of them. His list of flip-flops is longer than his face. As Boston Globe columnist Jeff Jacoby aptly puts it, "In the 2004 presidential field, there is a candidate for nearly every point of view. His name is John Kerry."
There are really three types of John Kerry (not 57, as previously thought). First, there's the far-left John Kerry, the Ivy League, Northeastern, Ted Kennedy type. Let's nickname this John Kerry "Er." Then, there's the faux-populist John Kerry, who rails against special interests, yet remains the cozy guy next door. Let's call this John Kerry "Bud." Finally, there's the conservative John Kerry, who toes the right-wing line when it's popular. Let's dub this John Kerry "Weis."
Now imagine these three John Kerrys sitting side by side on a log, discussing the issues of the day. We'll add a moderator, too. Since he's a mainstream-media reptile, we'll call him "Lizard." The conversation would end up something like this:
LIZARD: What do you think of the media circus surrounding the President Bush AWOL allegations, Sen. Kerry?
ER: The issue here, as I have heard it raised, is: Was he present and active on duty in Alabama at the times he was supposed to be? I don't have the answer to that question ... Just because you get an honorable discharge does not in fact answer that question. (John Kerry, Feb. 8, 2004)
BUD: It's not an issue that I chose to create. It's not my record that's at issue, and I don't have any questions about it. (John Kerry, Feb. 10, 2004)
LIZARD: Sounds consistent to me ... let's turn to fund-raising practices. I've heard varying opinions from you on this, Sen. Kerry.
BUD: I have a message for the influence peddlers, for the polluters, the HMOs, the big drug companies that get in the way, the big oil and the special interests who now call the White House their home. We're coming. You're going. And don't let the door hit you on the way out. (John Kerry, Jan. 27, 2004)