Ann Coulter

This is my first annual Oscar predictions column, for which I am uniquely qualified by not having seen a single one of the movies nominated in any category. I've never even watched an Oscar ceremony, except once when a friend called me 35 minutes into Halle Berry's acceptance speech and I managed to catch only the last 20 minutes of it.

I shall grant my awards based on the same criteria Hollywood studio executives now use to green-light movies: political correctness. Also, judging by most of the nominees this year, the awards committee prefers movies that are wildly unpopular with audiences.

The box office numbers for this year's favorite, "Brokeback Mountain," are more jealously guarded than the nuclear codes in the president's black box. Hollywood liberals want the government to release everything we know about al-Zarqawi, but refuse to release the number of people who have seen "Brokeback Mountain."

I shall summarize the plots of the five movies nominated for best picture below:

-- "Brokeback Mountain" (gay)

-- "Capote" (death penalty with bonus gay lead)

-- "Crash" (racism)

-- "Good Night, and Good Luck" (McCarthyism)

-- "Munich" (Jew athletes at Munich had it coming)

Everyone says it's going to be "Crash," but I think "Crash" is too popular with filmgoers. Moreover, Hollywood feels it has done enough for the blacks. Hollywood can never do enough for the gays. Gays in the military, gays in the Texas Rangers, gays on the range. It's like a brokeback record! As Pat Buchanan said, homosexuality has gone from "the love that dare not speak its name" to "the love that won't shut up."

Is the idea of gay cowboys really that new? Didn't the Village People do that a couple of decades ago? Am I the only person who saw John Travolta in "Urban Cowboy"?

Movies with the same groundbreaking theme to come:

-- "Westward Homo!"

-- "The Magnificent, Fabulous Seven"

-- "Gunfight at the K-Y Corral"

-- "How West Hollywood Was Won"

OK, back to predictions. The best director award will go to ... Ang Lee, director of "Brokeback Mountain." (For analysis, see above.) Also, this is gays directed by an Asian, which should satisfy the gaysians. Hands down: Ang Lee.

The nominees for best actor in a leading role are:

-- Philip Seymour Hoffman, "Capote"

-- Terrence Howard, "Hustle & Flow"

-- Heath Ledger, "Brokeback Mountain"

-- Joaquin Phoenix, "Walk the Line"

-- David Strathairn, "Good Night, and Good Luck"