Ann Coulter

Teddy: When they dropped me at the dock after they tried diving for Mary Jo, I told them I would report the accident the moment I got back to my hotel. But they knew I was lying. An hour went by and no police had come by to question them? They knew I hadn't reported it. They're as guilty as I am!

Lawyer: Well, arguably, you are more guilty, inasmuch as you drove off the bridge --

Teddy: Mary Jo was driving. And I've been drowning my sorrows ever since. Get it? "Drowning my sorrows"? Can I at least have a beer?

Lawyer: – and then you went to absurd lengths back at the hotel to create an alibi for yourself – drying off and changing clothes, making a point of complaining to the hotel owner about the noise from the next room even though everyone was sound asleep at that hour, asking the hotel owner to tell you what time it was.

Teddy: That was a nice touch, wasn't it?

Lawyer: How can you explain that behavior as anything other than trying to create an alibi?

Teddy: Are you listening? I'm a married man! Mary Jo was a babe! I was drunk, speeding toward a secluded beach with her. Do you think we were going to look for seashells? Now how would that look?

Lawyer: Hey – what are you doing with that neck brace?

Teddy: Look! Now it's a hat! Hey – there aren't any cameras in here, are there?

Lawyer: I don't know how I'm going to get you out of this ...

Teddy: Do you know who I am? I am a Kennedy! JFK, Jackie O, Camelot, Prohibition-era rum-running Kennedy clan – any of that ring a bell? The judge is a Democrat, and the weenie DA keeps sending me mash notes promising not to prosecute. Ha ha! He must think I need a new chauffeur!

Lawyer: You are in a lot of trouble, Teddy.

Teddy: I've got it all in hand. Hey, I'm feeling a little loaded. Which side of this neck brace is up? My press conference is in 10 minutes.