Ann Coulter

In light of the fact that Sen. Teddy Kennedy feels lawyer-client privileged materials should be produced in the case of a public servant – such as John Roberts – we now continue with my imaginary version of Teddy's confidential communications with his lawyer the day after he drove Mary Jo Kopechne off a bridge at Chappaquiddick.

Interview with client Teddy Kennedy, July 19, 1969 (based on the facts in Leo Damore's book "Senatorial Privilege: The Chappaquiddick Cover-Up"):

Lawyer: Let's get back to the night of the accident. Why didn't you call the police?

Teddy: Stop nagging me! Mary Jo was driving. I wasn't even in the car.

Lawyer: No, Teddy. People saw you leave the party together.

Teddy: I had spurned her sexual advances and the poor girl was distraught. That's probably why she drove off the bridge.

Lawyer: A police officer saw you behind the driver's wheel speeding toward the bridge with a blonde in the passenger seat shortly before the accident.

Teddy: I asked Mary Jo to take the wheel after realizing I was too drunk to drive.

Lawyer: Now I know you're lying.

Teddy: How would that cop like a new NASA facility named after him?

Lawyer: You were soaking wet when you got back to the cottage.

Teddy: I went for a swim.

Lawyer: Fully clothed?

Teddy: I like to go for a little dip after a night of drinking and attempted extramarital sex. It clears my head.

Lawyer: There were any number of houses with lights on near the bridge – these are people who like you, Teddy – but they can't understand why you didn't ask them to call for help.

Teddy: I can't remember anything that happened that night! It seems like I was wandering for days, dizzy from the loss of oxygen after my heroic attempts to rescue Mary Jo. If you think about it, it was a lot like my brother Jack's rescue of his men on PT-109. He was driving when the ship got hit, and he didn't save all of them either. (Teddy singing now) The car was in, the Chappaquiddick bay, fearless man, who jumps and swims, a man who means, just what he says ...

Lawyer: What are you doing?

Teddy: It's a song I'm writing. I call it "The Ballad of Mary Jo."

Lawyer: You already told your confidant Paul Markham and your cousin Joseph Gargan the truth.

Teddy: Yes, get those names. They'll back me. Mary Jo was driving.

Lawyer: You're going to ask all these people to perjure themselves for you?

Teddy: I already have. They're balking of course, but I left them no choice.

Lawyer: What do you mean you've left them no choice?