Ann Coulter
Since almost no one these days -- no politician, certainly -- admits to being an atheist, Vice President Al Gore is about as close as you're going to get. He says he has his "own way" of interpreting the Bible, much like he has his own way of interpreting his role in "Love Story."

In Gore's view, the Bible inveighs against global warming and the internal combustion engine, but has nothing of any relevance to say on the matter of sucking a baby's brains out.

Gore's religious beliefs -- or "faith traditions," as nonbelievers like Gore refer to their quaint tribal superstitions -- remind one of G.K. Chesterton's observation that when a man ceases to believe in God, it's not that he believes nothing, it's that he will believe anything.

Among his other loopy interpretations, Gore claims the story of Cain and Abel is a parable about the dangers of pollution. Not original sin, not murder, not envy: pollution. "Indeed," he writes in his magnum opus, "Earth in the Balance," "the first instance of 'pollution' in the Bible occurs when Cain slays Abel." According to Gore, God was hopping mad about Cain polluting. Cain had "defiled the ground" with Abel's messy blood. Murder is one thing, but polluting with Abel's blood was what really got God's goat.

When pressed to expand upon on this singular interpretation of the Cain and Abel story, Gore explained that God's original rebuff of Cain's offering of the fruit of the ground (which set off Cain's murderous jealousy -- and the first recorded case of pollution) was simply "a metaphorical reference to the move from a herding to an agricultural economy."

I don't know. God works in mysterious ways and all, but His rejection of agriculture products as an offering doesn't seem like the most lucid manner of promoting an agricultural economy.

In the second debate, Gore segued directly from global warming to Scripture: "In my faith tradition, it's written in the book of Matthew, where your heart is, there is your treasure also. And I believe that we ought to recognize the value to our children and grandchildren of taking steps that preserve the environment in a way that's good for them."

Point one: My "faith tradition"?

"Faith tradition" is a nothing but a PC phrase for a religion you were brought up in and that voters have heard about but that you don't actually, technically speaking, in the narrow sense, believe.