Ann Coulter

Pointedly alluding to his opponent, Gore shamelessly boasts: "When I graduated from college, there were plenty of fancy ways to get out of going and being a part of that." Not him, though, no sir. He went to Vietnam because: "I knew if I didn't, somebody else in the small town of Carthage, Tenn., would have to go in my place."

No, actually. Gore did get one of those fancy deals. It was just a lot fancier than most boys can get -- especially any other boy from Carthage.

The only difference between Gore and Clinton is that Gore had a way out. If Clinton could have worked out a scam like that he'd surely have gone, too. In fact, this is just the sort of package that would have appealed to Clinton. He could have preserved his "political viability" and his precious little neck at the same time. With all the hookers, he might not even have asked to go home early.

While Brave Al soldiered his rifle and took off for the Saigon Marriot in calculated gambit to help out dad's faltering re-election bid, George W. Bush was climbing into fighter jets and taking off at the speed of sound. Though the National Guard service during the Vietnam War has gotten a bad reputation, Bush was in the Air National Guard. He was a fighter pilot, flying F-102s.

If Al Gore -- or any member of the adversary press now sneering at George Bush's service with the Air National Guard -- ever took off in an F-102, they wouldn't be able to relieve themselves for two weeks. Even in peacetime, fighter pilots routinely lose more comrades than wartime engineers -- to say nothing of Army journalists.

Still, Gore drones on about his fictitious combat experience and taunts his opponent -- who was surely in greater physical peril. Can you imagine a Republican trying to get away with this? Though Gore was allegedly unaware of the special treatment he received back in Vietnam, the privileged Little Lord Fauntleroy is fully aware that the adversary press is about as likely to take a shot at him now as the Viet Cong were back then.