Ann Coulter

Indeed, when Gore promised to save Roe vs. Wade, he got his longest and most heartfelt round of applause. He mentioned national defense and got only a lukewarm reaction. He mentioned America's role in freeing the world "from fascism and communism" -- polite applause. He said he would fight for the victims of crime -- sporadic clapping. But the mere mention of Roe vs. Wade and total pandemonium broke out! This is a party that apparently cares about nothing as much as killing little babies.

Of course, Gore did pique the delegates' interest with the intriguing possibility of more goodies from the federal government. He ran through a mishmash of demagoguery, from universal preschool and "lifelong learning and new skills" (whatever) to clean drinking water for "every child in America." That the last one got a round of applause shows how desperate the audience was for applause lines. Is clean drinking water a big problem I'm unaware of?

I'm not being a snob: In America's own little slice of the Third World, Washington D.C., you can't, in fact, drink the water. No one told me this until after I had been living in D.C. -- and drinking the water -- for several months. But to get to the nub of the matter, like everyone else, I got myself a water purifier. Everyone in D.C. has a water purifier. So what is the president going to add to this simple commercial transaction? Buy us all water purifiers?

Why yes, he is.

Indeed, if chosen to be the next Leader of the Free World, Gore also promised to get "cigarettes out of the hands of kids before they get hooked"; to work for parents "trying to find a little more time to spend with your children"; and to ensure "our responsibility to our loved ones, to our families" (which he specifically described as "something at stake in this election").

And if you haven't had time to clean the leaves out of your gutters, the federal government will be there for you. Then the president of the United States will go into your bathroom and tell funny jokes.