Better check your list a third time.  And, if you find any right-wing religious fundamentalist zealots—you know, Christians—the ACLU may want you to consider crossing ‘em off your list.  They’re out to destroy the country, after all.

Same goes for Boy Scouts, by the way.  Children from traditional families.  The usual suspects.

On the other hand, the ACLU has come up with a list of gift ideas, to save your crew time out in the workshop.  Among the must-haves:

• A library card to tax-funded locations that refuse to filter pornographic Web sites.

• A free pass to any Planned Parenthood clinic (must be under 18 and not accompanied by parent).

• The new CD, Songs of the Radical Left, featuring the hit singles, “My Country, ‘Tis of Me” and “Keep the Home Flags Burning.”

• A great collection of their latest merchandise with the motto, “Life, Liberty, and Reproductive Freedom” (http://www.takeissuetakecharge.org/coolstuff).

I know, I know.  It sounds like a cruel Yule for the kids—worse than coal in a stocking.  But sooner or later, Santa, you’re going to have to decide whether you’re on the children’s side or the ACLU’s.

Because if you try to be both—hitching your sleigh to pro-family causes, celebrating the spirit of Christmas right in the middle of the holiday season—the ACLU says you’re gonna’ find yourself out in the cold, friend, and holding the bag.  They’ll tell you that their attorneys are not ones to toy with.

But don’t worry.  If you’re bound and determined to go through with Christmas, just get in touch with us here at the Alliance Defense Fund.  (You know the address.)  We’d be proud to represent you anytime pro bono.  Consider it our Christmas gift.

Because winning your case would bring a lot of joy to the world.

Respectfully,

Alan Sears