That small-business owners are the heart of the economy unless they succeed, at which point they become "the rich."

That it is evil to be rich, unless you got that way by

marrying Teresa Heinz.

That it is wrong to be a millionaire, unless you got that way by suing people.

That the sons of the upper-crust Northeastern elite are always and everywhere out-of-touch, unless they are named Howard Dean.

That it is unseemly to mix military matters with politics,

but you should vote for FORMER GENERAL Wesley Clark, and salute when you do so.

That a deranged candidate should not be elected president, unless he is named Bob Graham.

That no child should be left behind, unless it is in an urban public-school system.

That no child should be left behind, unless it is in the womb.

That the Patriot Act is denying Americans their liberties, and John Kerry, Joe Lieberman, John Edwards or Bob Graham should be elected president after having voted for it.

That deposing John Ashcroft would be preferable to deposing Mullah Omar.

That library records are sacred, but the Constitution -- a "living document" subject to manipulation by judges -- is not.