We need to get rid of Santa Claus. Oh, sure, he does bring us presents. But, what I am supposed to do with an ethanol subsidy or a bridge project for Christmas, for heaven’s sake?! I can’t use stuff like that and it won’t fit under the tree.

Did I say Santa Claus? No--er, well, you could call him Santa Claus because he plays one on TV, but that is just an act--his real name is Uncle Sam.

(If you thought this was going to be a column about the commercialization of Christmas, I’m sorry to disappoint. Really. It’s just that I’ve got kids at home and I have nowhere else to go at the end of a long workday.)

Still, the bait-and-switch is fairly even. Uncle Sam spends money just as well as any Santa Claus. (No offense, dear.)

Now let’s get serious. I love Christmas and I think I hold my own when it comes to embodying the Christmas spirit. I still get some pleasure from the light-up plastic Santa in his sleigh (albeit pulled by one lousy reindeer, and not even Rudolph) sitting in my front yard.

A usually practical sort, even (BEG ITALICS)I have been known to go a little overboard during the holiday season. Innocently expressing my love and good cheer, I’m easy prey for those greedy capitalists. We all know that spending money is more fun than earning it--which is why you get a whole week to beg on the streets or hire a truly innovative accountant before the January bills start rolling in.

Imagine what would happen if those January bills just never came. Or if they came, not to you, but to your kids! Some 10, 20, 30 years down the road. Wow, could we have wild Christmas celebrations! Anything the kids want or need would be theirs. We could do anything!

"For the children," of course.

I can almost hear someone saying, "If we can put a man on the moon, surely we can afford a train set for Billy and another doll for Mary Sue." What would happen to their self-esteem, if they didn’t get everything they wanted, eh?

But alas, Santa Claus doesn’t work that way. Except for that one Santa Claus and I think I’ve made it perfectly clear that he ain’t even (BEG ITALICS)really Santa, he’s our crazy Uncle Sam. Continued...