He no longer looked up when he walked out of the office building into the
spring evening. The city lights and leafy trees might as well not have been
there. He went straight ahead, gazing neither to the left nor right. He used
to dawdle, window-shop, daydream. Now he walked purposefully, as if he knew
where he was going.
Once he had looked forward to day's end, the refreshing feel of the
unfiltered Southern air. Now he scarcely noticed.
Soon the lights in the other office buildings would come on against the
encroaching dim. For a moment there would be a feeling of escape into the
night. But for now there was only the accumulated heat of the day, pressing
down like the past.
Above all, literally above all, there was still the sky. The beauty and
ordinariness of it had become too much to contemplate. He was tired of
entering into all that, and then having to emerge from it.
Now he preferred to watch where he was going, rather than just meander. He
had learned something: Anything that elevates, or recalls the past, or gives
you feelings at the end of the day, will demand things of you eventually,
just you wait. Things have their own agenda. Notice them and they will not
let you be. Avoid eye contact and you'll be safe.
He experienced the weather now mainly over the radio, the way he did traffic
jams-something to avoid. He wished he could go through just one day without
news, the incessant news, and its unspoken demand that one have an opinion
about it. Why?
No, he did not need a vacation. He needed vacancy.
Imagine: They were still talking about what to do about Confederate
monuments. Should they be moved, hidden, destroyed, ignored?
Once he would have been outraged. He used to stand up when the band played
Dixie. He had been able to refight every battle in The War from Bull Run to
Five Forks. But they never turned out any different. It grew tiresome, this
endless rehashing. He meant no disloyalty to the past, but it did hang
around like a bum looking for a handout. He was tired of arguing about
whether the Confederate Battle Flag should be displayed, pro or con.
Why have a flag at all? Symbols divide. Wasn't it time to let the past be
the past at last? Forget? Hell, Yes!
Continued... |