The recent rise in Somali piracy confuses me. It confuses me because I cannot imagine entering waters near the coast of Africa without enough firepower to arm a small third-world nation. It confuses me as much as that home security commercial that features a burglar breaking into the home of a married couple. You know the one where the wife gets a call from another man at security headquarters who promises to send someone to help. Meanwhile the husband locks himself in a closet and hopes for the best.

When that husband eventually comes out of the closet he might as well have his genitals surgically removed. When his wife realizes he can’t defend her against an intruder she probably isn’t going to risk the possibility of procreation. Some genes just weren’t meant to survive.

I understand the media’s need to produce new heroes in an age of rampant metro-sexuality. I also understand that Captain Phillips’ intentions were good – after all, he was on a charitable mission. But he had no business endangering a crew of twenty by placing them in harms way without sufficient firepower. The image of these men locking themselves in a cabin to avoid the Somali pirates is simply embarrassing.

There are a couple of rules anyone must follow when venturing into potentially dangerous waters – and by “potentially dangerous waters” I mean anything but a small lake or pond. First, it is a good idea to bring a few friends. Second, it is a good idea to require every adult on board to remain sober and bring a firearm.

I don’t fish as often as I did in the Texas Gulf Coast in the 1970s. But I do get an occasional invite to go deep sea fishing off the Carolina coast with three good friends. Two of these friends work in a national security capacity for the federal government (please pardon the pseudonyms). So it should go without saying that we have the hardware and skills to defeat a small (or large) band of pirates whenever we venture into the Atlantic Ocean. We don’t have any evidence of piracy off the Carolina coast. But we all subscribe to the belief that it is better to have a gun and not need one than to need a gun and not have one.

So on most of our ventures we carry the following:

1. Larry likes to go boating with an M4 tactical shotgun made by Benelli. This is the same tactical shotgun used by the U.S. Marine Corps. It has a truly unique Auto Regulating Gas Operated system with stainless steel, self-cleaning pistons located just ahead of the chamber. This makes for a highly reliable and very quick cycling weapon. The M4 Tactical also comes with a rail for optics and a synthetic pistol-grip style stock. This is really all we need when we go deep sea fishing but why take the risk?

2. Moe, having a little more limited budget than Larry, likes to carry the Model 1100 tactical shotgun by Remington. This weapon has, for years, been a top choice among law enforcement agencies across the country. The Model 1100 is an extremely dependable weapon. It is chambered for 2 3/4" shells and is available with a 22" barrel with a 9-round magazine capacity.

3. Curly, prefers to carry a sidearm. His weapon of choice is a Sig Sauer Model 226 chambered in 9mm. Curly carries four loaded 20-round magazines, which means he can fire off 80 rounds before having to reload a magazine. I’ve told him on more than one occasion that if he spends 80 rounds and anyone is left standing he should just jump overboard and give his life to the sharks.

4. Finally, I carry a BAR chambered in 7mm mag. I play the role of the sniper in the unlikely event that any of the Three Stooges is taken hostage. I am also preparing to purchase a Saiga 12 Russian shotgun with a five-round magazine. I also plan to purchase a 12-round magazine as a backup. I’ve been impressed with You Tube video demonstrations and recommendations from respected friends who say the Saiga is a) reliable, and b) capable of delivering shotgun blasts as fast as I can pull the trigger.

I understand quite well that there are ports that will not allow entry to boats that are carrying firearms. And I understand that they are in places where we would like to deliver humanitarian aid. But the solution is not to go into these areas unarmed. The solution is to tell the nations in which these ports are located that they must change their laws or forfeit charitable goods coming from our generous Christian nation.