The other day a skinny white boy came to me complaining about his teacher’s “anti-white racist remarks.” These remarks were made while the teacher was lecturing in a course here at UNC-White (Oops! I mean, UNC-Wilmington). After listing a bunch of bad things white people have done to black people, the professor stated in front of a racially-mixed audience: “You know … I’m actually embarrassed to be white.”

The student thought this made his teacher look like an “anti-white racist.” But looks can be deceiving. In reality, like most white “liberals,” the teacher is really a white supremacist.

In order to demonstrate the true nature of this professor’s racism, I suggested the student spend a few days emulating his professor’s conduct. He could start in the very class where he heard the “I’m actually embarrassed to be white” remark. Here are some specific suggestions I gave to the skinny white boy:

When a white person comes into class late, tell him “You make me embarrassed to be white.”

When a white person’s cell phone goes off in class, tell him “You make me embarrassed to be white.”

When a white person says something dumb in class, tell him “You make me embarrassed to be white.”

And, finally, when his white professor says “You know … I’m actually embarrassed to be white” say “You know … I’m actually embarrassed you’re white, too. For once, we agree on something.”

Try this yourself and see how long it takes for the nearest black person to realize that you have higher expectations for white people simply because of the color of their skin. Since this places you at risk of being labeled a white supremacist, or getting your skinny white ass kicked, I will do the following (so I cannot be accused of personal cowardice):

When I see the Director of Diversity at UNCW, I will say that Dog Chapman “Sure makes me embarrassed to be white. I wish he was black. Then I wouldn’t be embarrassed because whites and blacks are not members of the same race.”

When I see our token black political scientist at UNCW, I will say that “Senator Joe from Delaware makes me embarrassed to be white. He’s pretty inarticulate for a white guy.”

When I see the Chancellor of UNCW, I will tell her that her decision to put herself in an ad in the otherwise all-black “Black Pages” - a version of the “White Pages” meant to advertise black owned businesses - “makes me embarrassed to be white.” She’ll understand what I mean because she’s already trying desperately to be black.

Finally, I’ll go to the next all black faculty meeting and introduce myself to black faculty saying “I thank God that none of you are white. This segregation thing has been a terrible embarrassment to my great race. But you people go right ahead.”

Then, after I’m done apologizing for all the dumb things white people do, I’ll spend the rest of the afternoon at the tanning bed.

But, of course, this business of trying to walk out on the white race is surely not the white thing to do (Oops! I mean the right thing to do). Instead of having enlightened “liberals” - like the skinny white boy’s professor - leave the white race we could declare certain whites to be “in-authentically white.” Let me explain.

For years on our campuses, blacks who do not agree with affirmative action – or any other mainstream “liberal” policies – have been labeled “in-authentically black.” By dubbing blacks “in-authentic” for other reasons - being too educated, too grammatically correct, or too family-oriented – “liberals” have half-succeeded in fulfilling their dream of white supremacy in the name of “diversity” and “tolerance.”

Now, by purging the white race of all of those who do not live up to the “liberal” ideals of white moral superiority, we can create a truly enlightened master race. Sound confusing and ridiculous? Welcome to UNCW (The University of Non-Caucasian Wannabes).

People at the Office of Campus Diversity tell me I need to learn to be more tolerant – especially of white “liberals” with a superior vision of the way things ought to be. But I just can’t tolerate white supremacy. I could tolerate a black supremacist. But I expect so much more from white people.