• Illegal aliens unwilling to work in my yard free of charge on weekends should be killed.

• You should be killed for touching me on the shoulder in a public restroom.

But of course, learned full professor, I still have not matched the absurdity of your pro-choice argument. To this point, I have made the more rational argument that the person who has violated a constitutional right should be punished by being killed. Your position, of course, is even more absurd. You argue that the person whose constitutional right has been violated should be killed. Hence, I propose the following in an effort to reach (down to) your level of intellectual (un)sophistication:

• The governor should order that I be killed immediately if the governor does not sign an executive order fulfilling my strong desire to be free from supporting the pitiful public education system of this state.

• I should be killed by a feminist the next time I see a feminist from the Women’s Resource Center showing students how to put a condom on a cucumber.

• President Bush should order that I be killed because the “War for Oil” has failed to bring gas prices below two dollars per gallon.

• I should be killed by Jessica Alba because Jessica Alba does not love me.

• I should be killed by a woman dressed in a mini-skirt and snow boots the next time I see a woman dressed in a mini-skirt and snow boots.

• I should be killed by the citizens of France because they failed to provide me with free health care (and, not to mention, maternal love).

• Illegal aliens should kill me because they are unwilling to inconvenience themselves by working in my yard free of charge on weekends – an inconvenience not quite on par with a lifetime commitment to parenthood.

• You should kill me because you touched me on the shoulder in a public restroom in violation of my constitutional rights.

Many of my readers are wondering how a tenured professor could accrue a level of intellectual arrogance severe enough to produce a belief that he may, a) invent constitutional rights, b) enforce them via the death penalty, c) remedy the constitutional violation by the murder of the person (note: the professor admitted that the fetus was a “child”) whose rights were violated, and d) allow the killing to actually be ordered by the perpetrator.

Fortunately for my readers, I will address the origins of such arrogance in my next column. I strongly feel like I have a right for you to read it. If you choose not to, feel free to kill me.