Yesterday, I received the following letter from the European Human Rights Panel demanding an apology for my recent column “How to Bomb a Gay Bath House.” Below this letter, you will read my sincere apology to the EHRP. As usual, no sarcasm is intended:

Mr. Adams we are with the European Human Rights Panel, and this is the letter, by us, which was send to the Chancellor of UNC:

Mr. Chancellor, we are with the European Human Rights Panel, and we have been informed about Dr. Mike S. Adams, who is your emploey [sic]. Dr. Adams is known for his fascist and homophobic attitudes this [sic] are his quotes:

1. Start a website called “Global War on Fags” today.

2. Begin writing essays calling for the cleansing and purification of society via the mass murder of homosexuals.

3. Distribute videos on the website showing the actual murders of homosexuals.

4. Circulate instructions on how to bomb gay bath houses in San Francisco.

5. Circulate a “battle dispatch” to give people specific information on America’s most notorious bath houses.

Does the fact that you are his employer means [sic] that you SUPPORT his attitudes [sic], WE HOPE NOT. We do not want to report your university to the European Commission. But if we do report you, The European Comission [sic] has the right to impose many restrictions on your institution including: banned [sic] on student exchange, banned [sic] on publication of your works in the European union, banned [sic] on your professor [sic] to teache [sic] or even visit the European Union, aloso [sic] the European Union is by law obligated to stop financing all hate spreading institutions, so this gives the European Comission [sic] the power to: banned [sic] all commercial activities in the European Union of companies that are subsidizing [sic] you, knowing that you are a state University the Commission also has the power to banned [sic] the exports of North Carolina to the EU, which are 20% of all of [sic]exports and rising, from 1999 to 2006 – 150,000 new jobs where [sic] open [sic] in this state thanks to European exports. We sincerely hope that this mater [sic] will not come to the European Comissin [sic] or to the European Court of Human Rights, and Adams will apologise.

If not we will have to inform the European Comission [sic] about your conduct and ask the Commission to impose sanctions on your institution and your financiers, we will also take this to both American and the European courts wich [sic] will cost you great amounts of money.

Sincerely yours,
European Human Rights Panel

We hope that you recognise [sic] how unwise your conduct was and how badly [sic] reflects the UNC, and that you will publicly apologise [sic] on your blog?

Sincerely yours,
European Human Rights Panel

Dear European Human Rights Panel:

I have read your letter and was deeply moved – to the point of offering this full and unequivocal apology, which will also be sent to my boss Erskine Bowles:

1. I am sorry that I do not care what my boss Erskine Bowles – a former member of the deeply corrupt Clinton administration – thinks on this or any other matter whatsoever.

2. I am sorry that your spell checker is broken.

3. I am sorry that you think people who are trying to fight European-style socialism are fascists.

4. I am sorry that you lost your dictionary.

5. I am sorry that you suffer from heterophobia.

6. I am sorry that some members of your group suffer from severe intellectual hernia that keeps them from understanding satire.

7. I am sorry that some members of your group really do understand satire and pretend not to in order to engage in political extortion.

8. I am sorry that political extortion has become less effective since Jesse Jackson started playing hide the sausage out of wedlock.

9. I am sorry that in your zeal to defend the gay bath houses in San Francisco, you failed to realize that there are no gay bath houses in San Francisco.

10. I am sorry that you were so offended by my recent column “How to Slaughter an Innocent Unicorn” that you were moved to write a letter of complaint to PETA.

11. I am sorry that some members of your group suffer from severe intellectual hernia that keeps them from understanding that, like San Francisco bath houses, unicorns don’t actually exist.

12. I am sorry that I am afraid of gay unicorns.

13. I am sorry that I cannot apologize on my blog because I do not blog.

14. I am sorry that you failed to understand the point of my satire, which is printed in bold letters below:

The very existence of Western Civilization is threatened by our failure to take Islamic Fascism seriously. To the extent that we give more air time to Ann Coulter’s f-bomb and less to Julio Pino’s pro-Jihadist writings, we endanger ourselves and our children. Political correctness, quite literally, threatens our very existence.

I hope you will enjoy my next column called “How to Murder an Intelligent European Human Rights Activist.” Please don’t consider it a threat. No such thing actually exists.

Dr. Adams can be reached at DrAdams.org when he is not bathing his white unicorn inside a gay bath house in San Francisco while eating good sushi and listening to a good song written by Yoko Ono.